LOSING AN ADULT CHILD TO ADDICTION!

This photo is a very powerful heartbreaking image and one that happens everyday!  Denial saves no one!
This is my step-son Cyle, he is one of the faces of addiction!

This may be the hardest and most blatantly honest post I have ever written, but my husband and I feel very strongly that it needs to be out there and it needs to be in the front of your minds if you have loved ones who suffer from addiction!   Ten days ago, I received a phone call from my husband who was out of town that my step-son was found unresponsive, he had no idea what was going on.  I consoled him best I could and told him I will find out what’s going on.  Now, before I finish that part of the story I need you to know the background about my step-son.  He struggled with drug addiction since he was 13 years old.  At 16 he overdosed on heroin and they were able to revive him.  He had a history of being in and out of Juvenile hall getting into trouble, robbery, drugs, strong armed robberies, breaking and entering, destruction of property, Etc. He was finally sentenced to prison for 2 years where he was able to get clean in his early 20’s and live a better life.  The first year he was out he stayed clean, stayed away from the people he used and sold drugs with.  He got into working out and building himself up to be as strong and big as he could be.  He always believed he was invincible.  He liked to feel powerful and liked that people feared him.  He also started doing steroids years ago to help him bulk up.  We all worried that one day we would get that phone call that something terrible happened. 

He and his girlfriend have been together for almost 6 years I believe.  He is Daddy to her little girl.  She has always been the light of his life.  He looks at this little girl with such love in his eyes and heart for her.  The first time I saw him with her it made me so happy that he found someone he truly loves.   She and her precious little girl brought hope into his life.  He did stop using for periods of time but he still never thought he needed help.  He didn’t understand that when you stop using that is only the first step, being dry without recovery of some kind it’s just a matter of time before you get the itch and use again (which he did).  It  was a battle, it is a daily struggle, that ‘s what addiction is.  This is where that EGO comes into play and the “I can do it myself I don’t need help”  Addiction likes to fuck with your mind and make you feel more powerful than you are.  It likes to lie to you and tell you that it’s OK to put that needle in your arm, take that bottle of pills, down another bottle of alcohol.  You slowly kill yourself and your family that way.  But, You find a way to get it no matter at what cost.  You steal from your family, friends, and strangers.  You manipulate and lie to get your next high.  Soon what your doing just isn’t enough and you need more.  The problem is HEROIN LIES!  Addiction LIES!  Truth is, the HEROIN or drug of choice is in control of you, you are no longer in control of your own life.  You essentially become a prisoner in your own mind.  We didn’t have much contact with him the past two years.  We reached out through messages or a phone call with little to no response.  You see ever since my husband got into recovery a little over 6 years ago for his alcoholism addiction he wanted so badly for his son to go to a meeting with him.  We wanted him to get help, but he told us he doesn’t need that he can do it alone.  This broke our hearts.  We know we can’t force anyone into recovery but my husband tried to carry the message to his son.  He prayed he would find his way before it was too late.  When we would see him by chance it was always met with a hug and some light conversation, along with some laughs.

My step-son, his girlfriend, and their little girl! 

Here is where the really hard part comes in………That beautiful face, that happy smile you see above so full of life lost his.  On January 10th, 2019 my step-son died from a fatal accidental drug overdose, he was 27 years old!   We are still waiting for toxicology reports which will take about 12 weeks but from everything they told us this is what we believe took his life.  His drug of choice was heroin, but he was known to mix meth with it at times for a different type of high I suppose.  You have no idea how hard it is to write this but it is so important and so necessary.  As a parent when you get into recovery support groups you come to find that someone else’s addiction, even your child’s is NOT your fault.  I want my step-son to be more than a statistic for our family!   So, After the phone call from my husband I called my oldest step-daughter where he was living because he was recently on house arrest for 6 months.  She couldn’t speak, I heard a sorrow that deep down in your gut you know it is bad.  I was driving out to her house saying to myself NO, NO, NOPE this can’t be, he has to be OK.  He isn’t gone, he can’t be, NO GOD NO!  I called my daughter, his other sister and told her what may be happening.  I arrived with police and fire fighters on the scene.  I ran through the front door abruptly to see a room full of people.  His Mom on the couch crying, sisters & nieces crying, officers and personnel everywhere.  I said “What’s going on, please tell me this didn’t happen”  Someone said “I’m sorry he’s gone”  Down to my knees I went crying.  Someone came and reached out their hand and helped me off the floor and said “come sit down”.  I became so numb, it was unbelievable.  Is this real?  The one thing we feared the most has really happened.  He is in the next room dead on the floor and guess what, my 12 year old Granddaughter found him!   Now tell me in what world is that OK …….WHAT THE FUCK, is what was going through my mind!  I knew I had to be able to be strong to hear the things they were saying and soaking in information that the others may not be able to remember.  My poor husband was out of town about 4 hours away.  I had to call him to confirm that his son did pass away.  It was unbearable not being able to hold him and be there for him.  I knew he needed me to be his ears at that time.  What an awful drive to take alone knowing  a tragedy has struck home.  The rest of that day was a numbing whirlwind for all of us.  His other sister lives in Belgium right now where her husband Is stationed.  They just had a baby 3 months ago and were getting an emergency passport for the baby to be here. 

Our Vow Renewal with our 4 adult children!  We are a blended family, but we are family!

I have feelings of anger.  I’m angry that every time he chose to put a needle in his arm and shoot drugs into his body it was like playing Russian Roulette with his life!  I am angry that he didn’t reach out to us and respond to messages!  I am angry that he didn’t take getting help for himself seriously!  I’m angry at how he treated people at times!  I’m angry that his little girl will grow up without the Daddy she knows and loves!  I’m angry that he put his girlfriend in the position he did to clean up his mess to explain to her Daughter where daddy is, while trying to deal with her own broken heart losing her person!   They should be planning their future together.   I’m angry that addiction is such a selfish thing and leaves families devastated!  I am angry that he was using in the house with two young children and that our grand daughter found him that way!  Anger is natural and normal, it is a part of grief.  Mostly I am heart broken and I am so sad for him that he lost his life.  We are powerless over addiction of any kind.  It’s no secret that Cyle and I didn’t always get along as he was growing up.  He hated authority of any kind and I was that type of parent with boundaries, structure, and rules.  He didn’t like that at all and he caused a lot of problems growing up with everyone.  However, when he got out of prison during that first year he had made amends to everyone, including me which blew me away.  I will never forget a few talks we had.  The first one was when he said to me “I’m sorry I was such an asshole to you growing up and caused so many problems.  Lying and everything I did, he said I didn’t make it easy for any of my parents and I’m sorry for that”  Man that was such a blessing to hear after all those years!  To feel like he really does care about me made me feel great, and I was so proud of his efforts to change and stay clean.  I always told Cyle that he is so smart but needs to put it to good use.  That he is strong and talented and he deserves to live a good life and stay on a good path.  He was so great at drawing things, he used to love art.  So The second time we talked was one I have cherished every day and will remember for the rest of my life.  About 3-4 years ago my husband broke down about 1 1/2 hours from home and he needed me to rent a car trailer and drive out to get him.  I didn’t want to drive by myself and I wasn’t comfortable towing a trailer with our old Suburban that has had issues.  So I called Cyle and asked him if he could help his Dad and go with me.  No hesitation, I went and picked him up.  We had time to drive so we talked like the whole way.  He talked about him and his girlfriend a lot and how he loves being a Daddy to her little girl.  One thing I told him was I said “I’m going to give you some Mom advice”.  I told him that he was really to rough (verbally) with that little girl.  I said “Cyle, you need to find a balance in raising her, lighten up your too hard”  He kept saying things like, I know but sometimes she gets away with all this shit and I keep telling her Mom No that isn’t OK.  I laughed!  I said “Hey Cyle, now that your a Dad, do you understand more why I was the way I was with you and why I tried to set rules and guidance with you”?  I will never forget this…….He did his goofy ass laugh and he said “I was so shitty to you and you kept trying, but I wouldn’t let you I made it hard for you, he said but now I appreciate all I learned from you because that is the type of parent I want to be with her”.  OH MAN, did he really just say that to me?   That touched my heart to the core. I will never forget those words or the conversation we had.   I got to spend some time talking with my stepson that day in a way we never had before.  He was in a good place at the time.  He had a good job, made effort to be a part of everyone’s life, I got to hear how much he loves those girls.  He was doing so good!  His girlfriend and her daughter are and always will be the loves of his life and the best thing that ever happened to him.  I hope no matter what that she remembers that.  He knew how much she loved him because otherwise she wouldn’t have put up with his crap!    

Addiction of any kind will destroy your life!   It is so easy to blame yourself for things when someone Is no longer with us.  You think if only we didn’t argue, I should have done this and that, if I didn’t give him money, if only you didn’t make it so easy for him he would still be here.  The truth is, we will drive ourselves crazy if we think the things we do CAN CHANGE AN ADDICT, or save them, they and only THEY can choose when and if they need or even want help.  Then, at that point we can help them.  No parent wants to ever admit there child has a problem.  Often times there is a lot of denial.  Sometimes you even tell yourself it isn’t that bad, or Not my child.  They will also tell you the lies you want to hear like “I will never do it again, I promise”, “I’m fine, I don’t need help I can stop”, “I was just doing it for fun”.  You become a shell of yourself when you use.   If someone reading this is using, whether it be drugs or alcohol, Please read this story of heartache and struggle over and over again.  There are countless stories shared of loved ones lost to addiction read them all!  There really are no answers for the family and friends left behind.  The devastation that addiction causes stays with us for a lifetime.  It rips families apart, it causes such a deep heartache in your soul that you feel as though you will never see the light again.  It is painful to see a life so young gone forever because addiction wins, yet again.  IT HAS TO STOP, WE HAVE TO BE THEIR VOICES!  We have to continue sharing the message of strength, love, hope, and courage to stop addiction!  If there is even one person who reads this that feels heard, understood, or comforted.  If you see yourself in this story and feel you need help before you too could become a statistic then reach out, don’t hesitate, people are available 24/7!  There is Al Anon, AA, AlaTeen, NA, and you could also contact a therapist.   If sharing our grief on behalf of my husband and I helps someone else take that first step then we continue to honor his life.

My step-son with his little girl

This post is about my feelings, opinions, and thoughts.  Writing at times is my way to work out those feelings and not keep them bottled inside, that is no good for you.  To watch someone you love use or relapse over and over again is like watching a piece of them die each and every time.  Inside an addict you have to understand it isn’t just the mind that is broken, but also the soul and the body.   How do you think a parent copes with the thoughts that today may be the day I get that phone call that he’s gone.   Parent’s often blame themselves or they choose to be in denial.   I have been Cyle’s step-mom for almost 19 years.  Some people still don’t believe I matter or think this affects me.  I want to say this for all step-parents, WE FUCKING MATTER!  A family member sent my husband a card of condolences and sympathy, but only for my husband.  I watched him read the card and throw it in the trash.  I asked why he threw it away.  He said he was so disgusted that someone would single him out thinking this isn’t my loss too.  Our whole family lost a loved one.  I chose to be a part of my husbands life almost 19 years ago knowing he had 3 children from 2 different mothers and 1 grandchild.  I have my 1 Daughter, I just turned 30, when we got together and this year I will be turning 50, that is a lot of life with OUR FAMILY whether someone wants to accept that or not, that is insignificant to us.  I have been through a lot of shit with these kids!  Together we are made up of a mom, dad, stepmom, stepdad, 4 children, now including my stepsons daughter 5 grandchildren!  It doesn’t matter if I am a stepmom, that doesn’t mean I love a child any less.  That hurts my heart so much that people don’t seem to understand I LOST A FUCKING SON TOO!  His life mattered to me.  I wanted and prayed for so much more for him and now he is gone.  I can’t believe he is gone!  I have to be here for my husband who lost his son, my daughters who lost their brother, and so on.  I have done the best I could to be there for his Mom, his girlfriend, her daughter, friends, or anyone else who has been touched by him.  To be sympathetic and empathetic.  As we were walking out of the church I was carrying the Urn and one of his longtime childhood friends said “is that Cyle” I shook my head yes and tears rolled down his face.  Pain on everyone’s face.  Having no idea what to say or do.  An addicts story is about more than just the drugs.  I want you to know the person and family behind the addiction because that makes it real.  As it was stated at his celebration of life, he is just another statistic to everyone else, but to his family he is their world!  He had a crazy goofy laugh.  He was over protective of those he loved, especially the girls in his life, like his mom, girlfriend, sisters, nieces, & daughter.  He loved to antagonize his sisters even as adults!  Hell, he loved to argue with a 3 year old!  One Halloween we planned for him to steal my Dads candy bowl as a joke because he had the scream mask on and he wouldn’t know it was him.  So as my Dad opened the door Cyle messed with him for a minute by grabbing a huge handful of candy and my Dad saying “HEY don’t take all that” then he grabbed the whole bowl and ran.  My Dad was so pissed.  It was the best!  This is one of the funniest stories we love to tell.  We have to remember these people are someone’s sons, daughters, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands, friends, Etc. they are all human beings that lost their lives to addiction, IT MUST STOP!

As I wrap this up I can’t express enough how devastating addiction is for everyone not just the addict.  The family suffers a great deal!  Watching a slide show of my step-sons life and seeing the people come together that wouldn’t normally come together to celebrate his life and walking around carrying an urn with his ashes are beyond what any words could ever express.  A child should not go before their parents.  Sometimes in life with an addict all you get are moments, but those moments are significant.  As we continue to see addiction grow, including alcoholism I want it to be talked about more.  I want real faces and a life lost to be known that in the blink of an eye your life can be over and all the loved ones are left behind are completely heartbroken and don’t know how to move forward without you.  However, life does move on no matter how much we wish for time to go back or stop, it simply keeps going.  Addiction doesn’t ever discriminate, young or old, color, religion, it simply doesn’t matter.  My hopes in sharing this personal post and photos is that it helps to save someone’s life.  That it helps another family or parent grieving the loss of a child to addiction to know you are not alone, unfortunately so many people understand because they too have lost their child to addiction.  My hopes is that If you, the one reading this has a problem with drugs or alcohol you pick up the phone today and seek help.  We know a lot of people in recovery and we have seen and experienced ourselves the miracles out there waiting for you when you take that first step to say FUCK YOU ADDICTION!  I want you ALL to know if you feel like you don’t matter YOU DO MATTER, YOU ARE IMPORTANT, YOU HAVE A PURPOSE!  Please know there is a big world out there and you belong in it, my stepson belongs in it but he couldn’t find his way out of the darkness.  Honor a life lost by saving your own!  Much love to all that have been affected and are still affected by addiction.  It is a lifetime struggle but one you never ever have to do alone.  Don’t allow yourself to be held prisoner any longer by the lies addiction feeds you.

My step-son Cyle & his little girl!

Hear me loud and clear Parents, our kids are using, our grandkids are using, it is OK to tough love your children and be harsh with them at times.  STOP ENABLING YOUR ADDICTED ADULT CHILD!  The thing is that adult children with addiction issues that remain dependent on a parent often are allowed to get into a bad situation because they are enabling them to do so.  Some parents keep doing it because it is a way they feel “needed” but that is an unhealthy toxic way.  It is OK to check up on them, know their friends, and where they hang out.  It is OK to have rules and structure in your home, it is OK to give your children consequences at young ages because it helps them to become more responsible adults.  It’s OK to hold your kids accountable for their actions, otherwise they don’t grow and learn responsibility.  Don’t get me wrong, kids are kids, they grow, make mistakes, learn, try our patience, and they can break our hearts.  We fall in love with them every day and they have our whole hearts.  Trust me when I tell you that being friends with your children is for later in life, not when they are growing up needing you to be their teacher.  They follow by example, make sure it is a good one.  The most heartbreaking thing that can happen is walking around with your child’s ashes in an urn or burying them 6 feet under because you didn’t want to face the fact that they have a problem with addiction!  Is that harsh……… ABSOLUTELY, but it is a sad reality in todays society!  I want people to wake up and stop being ashamed and talk about this shit!  The truth is addiction continues to take so many lives and living in denial about it doesn’t do anyone a damn bit of good!  Be real, share your struggles because we all have them.  Doing your best is all any of us can do and then it is up to them to choose the life they want to live and to be the person they choose to be. 

For those of you using, I want you to know that you are killing yourself everyday.  You are not being the best version of yourself.  You deserve so much more than what addiction promises you.  You are breaking your loved ones hearts.  You are destroying yourself from the inside out.  You are also stronger than you think!  You have people who will love you until you can love yourself and they will continue to love you.  You are a precious life, you are someone’s everything.  You are a human being with a beating heart and a kind soul, find your passion, find your place in the world and go out there and be AMAZING because we only get one chance at this life make it count and make a difference! 

Wishing you peace & serenity always,   Harmony

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WHY ARE PEOPLE FAKE? WHAT’S WRONG WITH JUST BEING REAL?

It’s just like when you were in high school trying to fit into the crowd.  It seems honesty these does is a rare treasure to find, sad isn’t it?  I don’t understand it.  Maybe that’s because I can be honest to a fault, even brutal at times.  Seems I have a problem with a filter when I do open up…….I don’t really have one!  I will take the cold hard truth any day over some sugar coated bullshit lie!  You know when people say “I am lying to protect them so they don’t get hurt” as my Dad would say; “That’s horseshit”!  He was very blunt and harsh with his words, but you always knew where you stood.  Why pretend to be something you are not, the truth always comes out eventually.  Besides, it takes a lot of work to remember all those lies and stories you tell people.  “Who did I say I hate”, “who did I say this and that too”…..WOW no thanks!  I will stick with being brutally honest thank you!

Even where addiction is concerned.  This is going to sound kind of bizarre, but, my husband had people that would talk shit about him about him being an alcoholic.  Yet when he tried to talk to them and tell them that he is in fact an alcoholic they would say “No you’re not”!  My husband would argue with certain people to try and make them understand he is in fact an alcoholic, and then others would say “Yes he is an alcoholic” and they would still respond with “NO HE IS NOT”.  Strangest thing I have ever heard.  Someone is changing their life for the better and their family.  They have spent years in recovery getting sober and clean, why would you take that away from them?  It’s like sometimes people have this image of who THEY believe you are in their mind and it doesn’t matter if it is good or bad, you can’t seem to reason with them.

There are people that LOVE drama.  They keep toxic people in their life.  They will twist the truth about people, they will even make shit up just to hear themselves talk.  I want to be the person that if someone talks bad about me people will question whether what they say is real because they know my character is nothing like what people are portraying me as.  If that makes any sense at all?  I have been lied about and lied too, haven’t we all!  Master Manipulators, those are the ones you have to really watch out for because they are so good!  You can have the best instinct and be such a good judge of character, but even those type of people can sell you bullshit, tell you it’s pudding and you’ll believe it!  Spreading lies and gossip about someone ruins lives.  People take them at their word, and next thing you know your being thrown under the bus and you have no idea why, and you have no chance of correcting it.  People loose jobs over things like this.  As a matter of fact, right now some woman in my husbands field of work is spreading nasty lies about him to try and gain business she can’t get on her own because she sucks as an overall human being!  But, because these other women believe what she is saying is true it is affecting his business.

Look, none of us are perfect.  But if you are going around gossiping about someone when you have no idea if what you are saying is even true about someone else, then YOU are part of the problem!  If you can’t take the time to talk to the person in question yourself, then keep your mouth shut!  People have to realize that their behaviors and words do affect other people.  Sometimes it can be very painful and devastating.  I have been there.  It is very hurtful to be lied about, to be called nasty names, to be gossiped about so others will hate you too.  All based on lies. 

The best lesson I learned from all of this has been so beneficial for me and my healing.  I learned that, I can’t make someone like me or love me no matter how much I want them too.  I learned when people show me who they really are the first time that is who they are, there is no changing that.  I used to chase people when they walked away, no more, you want to go, I will gladly open the door for you.  When I stopped allowing the toxic people to hurt me, it was literally like a whole new life opened up for me.  Actually, for my husband and I.  When we stopped interacting with those kind of people our lives got so much better, imagine that!  Think about it……If removing toxins from your body is good don’t you think removing it from your mind is just as beneficial?  I am not going to tell you that after almost 40 years of friendship losing who you thought was your best friend doesn’t hurt because it does.  I can’t tell you that not talking to family because they are this way won’t hurt because it does.  What I can tell you is that it doesn’t mean you have to stop loving people, it means you love them and pray for them but they can’t be a part of your life at this time.  Some people are best kept at a distance or not be in your life at all.  Surprisingly, new people come into your life.  If you are really blessed and open to it, you may even have an earth angel walk into your life as I did when you need someone the most.  And Through them you will trust again and you will feel safe and comfort.  I learned the hard way that when I stopped fighting life thinking I knew what was best for me and just surrendered, life took care of me!  Always be honest, and keep doing you!

Wishing you Peace & Serenity,  Harmony

Why does everyone always think it’s the Non-alcoholics fault for the alcoholics problems?

The answer to that question is because to the alcoholic it is NEVER their fault!  They always put the blame and throw the other person under the bus.  They don’t consider the consequences for that person because they are only thinking about themselves.  Alcoholics are known for being destructive liars, thieves, cheaters, selfish egotistical asses.  Yes, I said it!  I am the wife of a now recovering alcoholic but I lived in the middle of my husbands drinking for 13 1/2 years and it truly was a living hell!  The question I seem to get asked the most is “Why/How did you stay”?  Fair question, because at least in my case and probably so many others the alcoholism doesn’t rear it’s ugly head entirely until you are involved in your life with your alcoholic.   Did I know he drank?  Yes I did.   Was he drunk all the time?  No, absolutely NOT!  They can be very charming but they are also very good master manipulators.  Everyone has issues in their relationships, it isn’t so easy to just leave the person you are in Love with, have kids with, have a life with.

It is so easy to judge someone when you are on the outside looking in.  To other people my husband was a hard worker, calm demeanor, very polite man.  People only allow you to see what they want you to see and an alcoholic has many faces.  What you don’t see behind closed doors is the physical abuse, the horrible emotional abuse, the nasty name calling, beating someone down so bad emotionally they feel as though they are a worthless piece of shit and somehow it really must be their fault that YOU can’t seem to kick the habit of your addiction!  The anger from the alcoholic can become so bad that they throw things, punch holes in the wall, and break things in a fit of rage, which usually will send the non-alcoholic spouse hiding in fear as they are not knowing what will happen next.  It is not easy to love an alcoholic.  It is a very heart breaking journey to take and it does forever change you.  It affects everyone involved deeply.

The worst part are the lies told to family and no matter how much the non-alcoholic tries to defend themselves or speak the truth you have already been thrown under the bus.  You have suffered years of people turning their backs on you, and talking terrible about you because they have believed that all along everything is somehow your fault.  I have been there, it damages and destroys relationships for life.  Some you can save if you work on it together and other’s, no matter what, will always believe that you are the fucking devil and somehow you caused all the problems.  They don’t want to hear anything else.  It is terribly painful and sad when all you want is to be loved and accepted by your family.  Sometimes though in spite of your best efforts you will have to walk away from those toxic people who are not willing to hear anything you have to say.  Some things just cannot be repaired. 

All you can really do for yourself is to take care of you and do what is best for yourself.  You can never change an alcoholic, no amount of crying, screaming, begging, threatening will stop them from drinking if they are not ready to stop themselves.  It is a horrible thing to watch the person you love, no matter who it may be kill themselves with each drop of alcohol they ingest.  It is your choice to stay or to go and for me I stayed and fought my way through.  My husband and I are not the norm of what happens though.  A lot of people think that once the person gets sober everything will be just fine…….I am telling you that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Most people don’t make it out the other side together, some times things get much worse in the beginning of sobriety.  The relationships I thought may have a chance to be healed once my husband talked to everyone and explained how much of a liar he was and how he put the focus and blame on me to take it off of himself.  It didn’t matter the damage was already done, the hate towards me already set in.  All I could do for myself is to forgive and move forward without those type of people in our lives.

Being the wife of an alcoholic is not easy.  I will always be the wife of an alcoholic even though he is sober,  he will always carry that demon with him in his mind waiting to pounce on his weakness and lead him to the bottle once again.  That is a relapse.  I pray that never happens for him/us.  We have watched people relapse and it is not easy to see.  We have known people who have died from this horrible disease.  My husband has almost 5 1/2 years sobriety now, it hasn’t come without it’s challenges but he has been blessed that he hasn’t wanted a drink and hasn’t even been tempted.  We have a whole new life and work hard at it.  Our love survived and made it through and we were able to rebuild our marriage and create a whole new amazingly wonderful life for ourselves.  Life always happens though.  We have lost very loved dear people to us.  We will have disagreements.  Finances can be a challenge, Etc.  as long as he has the tools and uses them and doesn’t allow himself to go back to that dark place where he was essentially a prisoner of his own mind then he will be OK.

We are all human.  We make mistakes, some far worse than others.  Life can be hard, happy, sad, joyful, rewarding, disappointing.  We have to do the best we can for ourselves and for our family.  We can forgive some terrible things and go on and still love and be loveable.  It is important to learn the lessons along the way on your journey.  If we don’t communicate then we are voiceless in our own lives and the lives of others.  Learn to be self-less, think of others, do for others, help others.  You have a choice to make in your life…….to allow the addiction control you or you control the addiction.  There is help everywhere, you just have to be strong enough for one moment to say “I NEED HELP” there will be hands reaching and arms to catch you when you fall.  Trust the process and believe that we all deserve to have miracles happen in our lives.  When you live right and do right and cause no harm to others or yourself, that is when the miracles happen.  Always be grateful for what you have in every moment because until you are there is never any room for more, and at any moment it can all be taken away from you.  As long as you strive to be better than you were the day before and be the best version of yourself that you can be and don’t cause harm to others, that is all any of us can hope to do.  Maybe just maybe with more kindness, humanity actually has a chance of changing the world.

Wishing you peace & Serenity, Harmony

                                                                                       

HEALING FROM THE PAST AND MOVING FORWARD IS NOT EASY TO DO BUT AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE!

This quote is very powerful to me.  Forgiving people doesn’t mean it will erase the pain and memory of what happened (although that would be nice) but it does allow us to work through it to heal and create a different outcome, rather than holding onto the resentment and anger of what was.  We have all been through heartache.  I had a very hard time getting over a lot of things from my past.  I know some of these memories run much deeper and are more painful than others.  Like forgiving my husband for being unfaithful, that is a memory that still to this day can trigger me and cause insecure feelings.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven him, it is a painful memory that I can’t delete and one that I got to learn and grow from.  Until I surrendered and handed all my pain over to the Universe, God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, nothing changed for me, I was stuck in my own pain, my own emotional prison.  Once I made the choice the relief was literally instant, it was one of the most amazing miracles I have ever felt in my life!  Forgiveness for something that I would never be able to control or totally understand meant that surrendering was the only healthy option I saw that gave my husband and I the second chance to rebuild our marriage and create a whole new life for ourselves.  Which also allowed me to heal from.

People hurt us everyday, both intentionally and unintentionally.  People judge you when they don’t even know you, they listen to lies and gossip rather than talk to the person in question, and have actual conversation and then decide for themselves.  I have found that if I can’t work through and somehow give forgiveness for myself, or if I can’t give it to someone else then I get stuck.  Stuck in my head and my emotions that constantly spin out of control.  The pain repeats itself over and over and over and over…….(you see where I am going with this) it doesn’t change what happened, you just keep reliving it until you can accept it and move forward.  I really don’t like the saying “Let it go” sometimes there are things we can’t seem to let go, no matter how hard we try,  so I choose to say “Move forward” instead.  See, the memory may still be with me but I have been able to take steps forward to  heal from whatever hurt me in the first place.

I learned a long time ago that if we don’t work through something whether with the person who hurt you, with yourself, or a therapist, you MUST communicate about it.  I have family members right now in the middle of a really painful situation that happened years ago.  It wasn’t talked about it was swept under the carpet only to rear it’s ugly head years later, and it is back with a vengeance!  There is a lot more damage this time and relationships are forever changed because of it.  I am not saying that you can heal everything with people because that doesn’t always happen.  Some things are beyond repair and you have to learn to walk away or love them from a distance.  Some people won’t do anything to get healthy emotionally and won’t do anything to try and heal or move forward, they stay stuck for years and this is how they live.  That is the saddest thing I have seen, someone in pain everyday for life because they refuse to talk or get help.  No matter what though, for yourself, you have to find a way to work through your feeling’s and emotions.   Otherwise it consumes you and causes you to be sick.

Talk to whoever you trust, work through it with them.  When you write out your feelings sometimes you don’t realize just how angry, or hurt you are, but when you write things out or talk them out you will also discover your part in it, things you have been unable to see………Yes, I said YOUR PART!  Look, it is so easy to blame other people who obviously do things that hurt us but we have a part in it.  Not meaning what they did is your fault, but maybe how you handled it, things you said, did or didn’t do.  When you are willing to see something with eyes wide open and you are honest with yourself you will be able to say “I shouldn’t have said or done that”, again it doesn’t mean it is your fault.  We are all responsible for our own behaviors.  Nobody MAKES you hit them, nobody MAKES you call them names, nobody MAKES you sabotage someone’s character.  Meaning you have a choice in the moment as to how YOU will react.  My husband when he was actively drinking use to always say  “this is your fault, if you didn’t make me so mad I wouldn’t have drank so much and called you those nasty names and busted up things in the house” He had a CHOICE and he chose to blame me, so he wouldn’t be held accountable for his own actions which is typical with addictions.  Words once spoken can’t ever be taken back, no matter how sorry you are, the way they can pierce one’s soul, the damage is done. 

So, when you are in an argument or before you jump to say hurtful things back to someone remember;  we are all responsible for ourselves.  We are accountable for the way we behave and the things we say.  There is no excuse, period!  It is easy to loose your cool when you are at odds with someone, especially if they are attacking you, but it is only temporary, don’t say something permanent that you will more than likely regret and not be able to take back.  If we can all remember that even in heated discussions or disagreements we can still be respectful of one another.  If you are open enough to actually listen to the other person without just waiting to respond you may be able to understand where they are coming from.  Compassion and empathy are very helpful tools.  As much as we love people, whether it be family, friend, or a partner.  Sometimes they are only meant to be in our lives to teach us a lesson.  Sometimes they are there to help you through a hard time.  Some stay forever.  Some are just acquaintances and others are your person, your best friend.  I have had “friends” walk out of my life after 30 some odd years of friendship.  I can’t tell you it didn’t hurt because it did.  I can’t tell you I understand why people leave your life with no explanation that you thought you could trust, but they do.  I have learned to be grateful for the times they were there for me and for the lessons I learned by what they did.  Grateful that sometimes the Universe cleans out the toxic people in your life for you because we will never do it ourselves.  We all want to be loved, accepted, adored, and not judged, but not everyone will, that is when we have to just move forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, and trust that life is putting us exactly where we need to be and we don’t always understand why, but trust the journey! 

Wishing you Peace & Serenity,  Harmony

 

HOW AN ALCOHOLIC AFFECTS THEIR LOVED ONES!

I have written about this topic before but recently have had many people talking about what happens to the spouse of alcoholics.  It is not an easy path to take.  It can be a very painful one.  I myself can only speak from my own experience and remembering the words that others have shared with me.  Very rarely have I heard of an alcoholic home being free from verbal or physical abuse. I have sat in the rooms of AA with my husband for the past 4 years and I can tell you that all the stories you hear all have similarities, it’s just the situation and people that change.  Alcoholics basically have the same stories.  Verbal/emotional abuse is one of the worst things in my opinion that you can do to a person.  The hurt and scars run so deep they stay with you for a lifetime.  Which end up leaving you with triggers in certain situations that cause you anxiety and heartache all over again.

I wrote my book for this exact reason…….Because I felt so alone like I was the only one going through something like this and being treated this way.  Like I couldn’t figure out what I was doing so wrong to make him be so mean to me!  There are very few books from the spouses of alcoholics talking about life from their perspective so I thought if I shared my story, maybe I could help someone who felt as isolated and worthless as I did.  My husband is now a little over 5 years sober in recovery but the 13 1/2 years of hell while he was drinking is nothing I will ever forget.  As the quote to the left says……they lie, deceive, manipulate and do whatever they need too, so they can continue to drink and they don’t feel guilty because they blame you and they believe their own bullshit and lies!

My husband was so verbally cruel, he knew how to shut me down.  The thing is, it wasn’t just in the moment it is something that stays with us deep inside our soul.  It wasn’t just about being called nasty names, it was more about knowing things that hurt you deep down and using that to stop you dead in your tracks.  Because how do you react when your heart is shattering into a million pieces right inside your chest and you feel like you are dying a slow lonely death?  You can’t speak, fight back, cry, all you can do is crumble to the floor while they step over you (literally) and carry on with their addictions.  Sad but so true.  What I learned from my husband is while we, the sober ones remember every single detail of heartache, they only remember parts of it.  The truth is, he convinced me it was somehow MY FAULT!  He would say things like “if you just stop bitching about my drinking and let me do whatever I WANT we wouldn’t have a problem”.  That really was not the case.  Even if we were getting along he would literally start an argument and rip me apart so he would feel “justified” in his own fucked up mind to leave his wife and kids to go drink.  It didn’t matter that we had kids at home.  It didn’t matter if they were his children, he would leave them and I was responsible for them.  Yet that is another losing battle because you can’t really parent them the way you parent your own child and yet when you do nothing at all your still the bad guy, basically it was always a loose, loose situation for me.  It was very difficult to be a “parent” to children who’s father would disrespect me in front of them.

There were times that my husband would have moments of clarity and realize that his drinking was killing him and hurting us, his family.  He would say “I know I’m an alcoholic and I need to stop drinking, I am hurting myself and my family”.  You get so hopeful and optimistic that they are going to really change and get help.  Days, weeks, even months go by and you see the person you fell in love with only for it to fall apart because they can only do it for so long before alcoholism’s grip becomes so strong and enticing they go back to the bottle once again.  This pattern alone breaks your heart over and over and over again and drives you crazy because you fall for it time and time again, you want to believe so badly that “this time” it’s going to be different.  Selfishness also goes hand in hand with alcoholism and any addiction.  It is a ME way of thinking ALWAYS!  He pulled out our entire 401-K without my knowledge, he bought himself a Harley Davidson motorcycle weeks before our girls graduated high school because HE WANTED ONE.  Not thinking about the girls if they are going to college how he could help.  He would go out all the time to the bars drinking and staying out till late night early morning hours.  He would gamble paychecks and we wouldn’t be able to pay our mortgage or buy food, yet I was the one left to clean up his mess.  He only cared about himself.  It didn’t matter if anyone was home sick, it didn’t matter when I had surgery, when family members went into the hospital, he was no where to be found because drinking was more important to him than his own damn family.  He wasn’t capable of being available emotionally or physically for us.  As the years went by he got worse, the drinking increased, he drove home drunk more times than I can even count both car and motorcycle and the only thing I can feel grateful for is he didn’t kill someone or himself!  I would pray for him to get stopped by a cop and arrested hoping that would be a wake up call for him to get help.  Truth is that until a person is ready to change themselves and get help they will not be able to be strong enough to beat the demons of addiction, they have such control over your mind and you are so entwined in that mental prison you can’t see things for what they really are, they have a false sense of reality and it is a sick one full of lies and deceit.

Worst part is when they tell lies about you for their benefit.  He would lie to his family and throw me under the bus so they would focus and hate me (which they do).  There would be family functions that I knew nothing about and we wouldn’t go but what I didn’t know was he would blame me so that way he could go drinking.  Alcoholics are the most selfish, self-entitled people I have ever met.  They could careless how they make you feel, they will always blame you, somehow it is always someone else’s fault. I was such an enabler for so long, not realizing what I was actually doing.  Making excuses for him, taking care of him when he poisoned himself with alcohol, I would buy his alcohol.  When I stopped doing those things we started fighting more often but I stood my ground.  I would say “you are an alcoholic, you are destroying our family you need help”.  Of course until they themselves reach out for help they won’t stop, it has to be their choice.  The destruction they leave until that day if it ever does come is just awful.

I could talk about this for days, that is why I wrote my book.  This is what I know for sure……if they don’t want help nothing you do will make them seek it until they are truly ready.  It is very easy to loose yourself inside someone else’s addictions.  You see, while you make them a priority you stop taking care of you.  They manipulate so well that you actually believe everything is your fault and you try so hard to not complain and be better, you isolate and become a liar yourself being ashamed of something that isn’t your fault, but it doesn’t matter because please hear me IT IS NOT YOU!  IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT!  We are not free from any accountability though.  I found that it was so easy to just put all the blame on my husband because after all he is an alcoholic.  However, when I got into counseling and took a real honest look at everything there certainly are things that I am responsible for, but one thing I and no one is ever responsible for is someone else’s addiction.  You made them mad, or upset, you forgot something, you did something, Etc. it is never ever anyone’s fault but the addict themselves.  Addictions whether it be drinking or drugs is truly a disease of the mind.  It is living in a prison inside ones mind and body unable to stop on their own but not yet willing to reach out for real help so they become dry.  What we think is their bottom they don’t see it that way.  What does that mean, it means that they aren’t using but they aren’t living a clean sober life either.  To be in recovery means you are healing your mind and your soul.  You have to do emotional cleaning from the inside out.  Every person I have ever spoken with that has used, is numbing the pain or running from things in life and not facing them.  The problem with that is these things never go away, they will haunt you for the rest of your life until you confront the demons that brought you to the bottle or pill in the first place.  Alcohol, drugs, they just cause even more problems and before long you loose everything and everyone you love and you find yourself alone. 

My husband caused serious emotional damage to our kids and myself, and other family members too.  My husband lied, stole, was unfaithful, was abusive, manipulating, Etc. and until I surrendered myself and let it all go knowing I was leaving my life in the hands of the universe I wasn’t free.  I was living in my own emotional prison and believe me it was pure torture!  I had to forgive my husband for myself for all the horrible things that he said and did because I was the one carrying the heartache and pain of it every day.  I had to stop trying to control his drinking and just let it be.  I stopped fighting about it, I had to let go and it wasn’t until I did that things changed for us.  My husband and I were able to save our marriage by letting go of our old life and begin a new one together.  Although it isn’t as easy as it sounds but my book explains it all.  We are one of the blessed ones.  Many do not stay together, we have seen a lot of divorces happen and break ups.  We went through alcoholism together and made it out the other side in a whole new life.  We worked hard at it and continue to this day to communicate openly and work at our blessed life.  We have had a lot of people walk out of our life and we are OK with that because they are toxic people and we have no place in our lives for that.   

My husband got to a place where he finally realized he was just dry for almost a whole year and needed to really make changes and do some hard emotional work If he was going to live a clean life, he had to get real with himself and others.  My husband tells me that because I didn’t give up on him in our darkest days and chose to show him love and stand by him is what helped him to want a new life for us and not walk away from our marriage. It is a hard life to be with an alcoholic.  I honestly can’t tell you if I had to do it all over again I would want too because the pain it caused was too much.  At the same time if we didn’t go through that I don’t know if we would have learned the lessons we did and help the people we have helped because of it.  My deepest regret is that the kids got hurt and that our daughter suffered terrible verbal abuse from her Dad.  I wish I could take away those memories because they are painful and as a Mom the only thing I want for our kids is happiness, love and joy.  I know life isn’t pain free though but it hurts my heart. I don’t think we would have the deep understanding and love that we share today if we didn’t go through this.  We loved one another from the moment we met we just knew, but when you have an addiction complicating things you are only able to have moments and glimpses of who the person really is.  It’s like having an evil alter ego that mainly takes over your life. 

If you take anything away from my jumbled blog post know that watching those we love go through addiction is painful and you can’t stop it.  There is nothing worse than watching people we love kill themselves and feeling helpless.  Please know it isn’t your fault.  That doesn’t mean you can’t try to help but in my own opinion don’t enable them just to be part of their life, that does more harm than good.  We have one of our children still struggles with addiction.  The hardest thing to do was letting him go.  We still reach out with no responses hoping and praying one day the call will come in for help to get clean but until then we fear the phone call of losing his life may come first.  That is the harsh painful reality of alcohol and drugs, it doesn’t care about the color, age, gender, of a person, it will take anyone who is vulnerable and lie to make you feel better and in that moment of weakness you listen and you are hooked.  We know we can’t enable and be part of the addiction dance.  For those that feel that it is somehow your fault because your spouse, child, parents, friends, tell you it is know those are the demons that have hold of your loved ones talking.  We are all accountable for our own actions and reactions.  I hope you all know that you are worth so much more.  No one deserves to be verbally or physically abused.  Drugs and alcohol are just an excuse to behave poorly, but even they are not excused from their actions, at some point you have to choose whether you want to continue to live your life this way or walk away and start over.  There is no easy answer or cure and each situation is different, yet the same.  You are not alone, there are so many families and people out there who understand your pain.  Addiction is still hidden and not talked about a lot, although it is being talked about more but not nearly enough.  There is no shame and no reason to hide.  There are so many resources now to help everyone.  When you start to truly recover and live a clean life and start working through the rubble of your life and the messes you have made you learn how to take accountability, stop blaming and make amends to those you have hurt.  You start to feel good and clean and you begin to see the miracles that have been waiting for your for so long.  One day at a time is all we can take things. 

As the wife of an alcoholic I know the pain and heartache all too well and my message is you are not alone, reach out for help, talk to others, read books.  I can promise you this, we do heal and you can change your life when you surrender and let it all go.  Take care of yourselves because you are worth it and you deserve to feel good in your own skin.  I pray everyday for those that never made it to recovery and those still out there suffering.  My hopes is you all find your way to recovery and start living the blessed life you were given, because we all have a purpose here on this earth, I hope you all find yours!

Wising you peace & Serenity,  Harmony

MY 2017 YEAR IN REVIEW!

This has been the most heart breaking year for me.  I lost my Dad this year and let me tell you this, if you haven’t lost anyone close to you then you will not be able to really grasp what grief feels like deep down in your soul until someone you cherish and are very close too leaves this life.  My Dad is my safe place, my biggest supporter, my hero.  I have learned so much from him.  Everyday I miss him more than the last.  I know that he would want me to be happy and live my life which I do, but some days are much harder than others.  That being said, take ALOT OF PHOTOS in your life!  Sometimes they are all the memories you have left of certain times or certain people.  Believe me when I tell you that you will cherish them!

We had 5 ducklings born this year!  They are definitely much messier than chickens but boy are they cute to watch.  You know they are totally adorable makes you almost want some right!! One of our Momma chickens actually hatched them and took care of them for 2 weeks, not kidding!  And we still have our jerky aggressive Rooster……Ya still afraid of that little ass but he sure is a beautiful bird, his name is David Bowie…..It’s the hair!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our home is paid off, what a huge relief that is!  We were also able to get a new roof put on the house finally after dealing with years of a leaky roof!  We lost 2 of our longtime rescue cats this year Lewis & Lucy along with many more…..that is never easy, always breaks my heart.  I hope it is true what they say, that all the animals you have loved in your life will be waiting for you.  Oh boy let me tell you how many will be waiting for me, they will need a new place just for me and my entourage of beloved furbabies!  My husband and I rescue homeless cats and pick up and rescue dogs off the street from getting hit by cars.  As a matter of fact we are in the process of building indoor/outdoor enclosure #2 for the rest of the cats in our area.  We intend on getting them all off the street and safely in an environment where they will live happy, warm, and safe!  We have taken in 17 new cats and kittens over the past 3 months.  We have had close to 400 cats spayed/neutered.  Someone tossed them out like they were trash but we see the beauty in those less fortunate struggling to survive, no animal should be left outside to live  like cats and dogs.  Oh I should mention that I know my purpose on this earth is to save animals, and the compassion and love I have for them is so deep, they are all sentient beings in my eyes!

We celebrated my husband having 5 years clean and sober!  This was such a nice day.  My Dad was with us in spirit he was always so proud of my husband for getting into recovery and changing his life! This photo is what can happen when you are clean, you have family & friends that celebrate with you, not everyone supports you and some people leave your life but what you gain is indescribable, he lives a great life now one with integrity and honesty!


 

 

 

 

 

My Husband has increased the company he works for by 40 million a year!  Not kidding!  He is an incredible sales man who has been in the industry for 30 plus years.  To say he found a great company he will be blessed to retire with is nothing short of answered prayers.  Being in your 50’s looking for a new job isn’t always an easy task but they took a chance on him and believe me the owner of the company even said to me at the Christmas Party this year that he is an awesome man who does a phenomenal job!  Yes he is but let’s be careful how BIG you allow his ego to get……..HAHAHA!  Just after I wrote this my husband walked into the room and I said “Is there anything that happened this year you can think of”  His exact words were “I AM GREAT” see EGO……. If you are miserable doing the work you are doing find something you love to do, it is important you like your job!

It has been a very difficult year for me.  I haven’t written like I want too, as a matter of fact often I am just blank.  My Dads passing has really changed my life.  It’s like you know these things happen in life but believe me you can never prepare for how it affects you.  All I can say is I do my best and some days the winds are knocked out of my sails and I have to remember to take time for me and continue to grieve.  My Dads passing has also brought out the “real person” in some people who have removed themselves from my life.  That was a shocker and now I can say it is a blessing not a curse.   I think we sometimes see people for what we want to see them as or make them out to be what we want them to be, but when you have the opportunity to look back on things you often see that what you thought was real really wasn’t real at all. 

Some of the problems I have seen in todays society is the raging selfishness and self-entitlement from people!   It sickens me and I am happy to not have those type of people in my life.  You realize that sometimes strangers become friends, and friends become strangers.  Take chances in life and do what makes you happy.  Share your life with your partner don’t live a life separate.  Sometimes people forget they are sharing their lives.  COMPROMISE, COMMUNICATION, GIVING, these things are so important in any relationship!  I wrote a blog a while ago that talked about if friendship can survive alcoholism…….I am so excited that my dear friend who had one foot in and one foot out drinking and not drinking is NOW SOBER!! 

Here is what she said to me the other day……..She said I now have almost 5 months of not drinking she said “I never realized how much money I was actually spending on alcohol”  She said she now has money to buy thing and do things!  She said she also never realized what a depressant it really is.  She was the most negative person, also skeptical and bah hum bug about a lot of things, never saw a bright side.  Now she is smiling, happy and relaxed!  She has a positive energy and glow about her and she looks great.  She said “Until I stopped drinking and was serious about it I never realized how much it affected my life”  She said she even gets to have conversations with her daughter that don’t go right into arguments.  Love her she is family. I am so happy about this I can’t tell you how much I can see the changes she has naturally made because she kicked alcohol out of her life!  So proud of her!

I will leave you with this……..there are significant things in life that will knock you to your knees like losing someone you love dearly.  We are all in this world together and you can all make a difference if you just try.  Whether it is getting clean and sober, making amends, changing jobs, changing the way you treat others.  You are the only one in control of how you behave.  If you owe an amends don’t wait because sometimes you may not have the opportunity.  It is so true that we are never guaranteed tomorrow.  Be kind to others, donate, volunteer, help people and animals, do good in this world leave your mark! 

These two photos are my most favorite Christmas photos of all time the one where we are on the stairs is with my Dad being childlike and the other is our last Christmas together.  If I can touch anyone I would say this……although my Dad wasn’t well we didn’t expect to loose him when we did.  My Dad and I argued the day he went to the hospital.  When I got the call that he was going to the emergency room he was in bad shape not conscience and it took 2 days before he opened his eyes enough to talk to him and we got to say I love you and joke around with him and about 6 hours later I got a call they were intubating him and I never got to talk to him again.  All I could do was hold his hand and talk to him to let him know I was there!

Sometimes we don’t get a chance to make things right, although this was our thing Dad and I always butted heads but I took care of him and we always knew we loved each other and how close of a bond we shared.  If I never had a chance to talk to him again it would have haunted me for the rest of my life!  I would never want the last words said to be bad ones.  My message is it is OK to not be a part of someone’s life, not everyone has a place in yours.  You can love family from a distance and wish them well knowing it is too toxic to be a part of them.  We can’t beat ourselves up over the things we have no control over but we have to learn how to make peace with things, even things we aren’t ok with.  Do your best every day to be better than you were the day before.  Go to bed at night with a clear conscience that you didn’t intentionally hurt someone that day.  If you fail at something don’t take it so hard know it is just part of our lesson, try a different way or grow form it either way failing means you tried.  If you are using or drinking please get yourself some help to change your life for yourself and your loved ones, the miracles are waiting for you if you just reach for them.  Don’t be so busy that you don’t pay attention to the people in your life, they need you.  Love with all your heart do good be kind above all giving is living.  Much Love and blessings to you and your families, make 2018 a phenomenal year!  My family will be remembering the man we all miss dearly but who is with us in spirit always!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WISHING YOU PEACE & SERENITY ALWAYS………..HARMONY

 

WHY DO WE JUDGE OTHERS?

It is so easy to look at someone and place a judgment isn’t it?  We truly never know what others have or are going through.  When others have judged you based on gossip and the opinions of another person without speaking to you directly, that is a character defect on their part.  It is true what they say, “If someone is trashing another person to you, I guarantee they are talking the same about you when you aren’t around”.   I have learned that there is a BIG difference in talking shit about a person and talking about a shitty person!  We all talk about people but it isn’t always done with ill intent.  We talk about family, friends, even strangers.  Talking about real things that have happened is not the same thing as gossip, (at least not to me) to me gossip is taking pieces of the truth and twisting it into some bullshit story or sharing something about someone that is personal that they shared with you and you start to tell anyone who will listen.  You know how it goes, you tell one person something like “I went to the doctor and found out I am pre-diabetic”.  After sharing it with a room full of different people it comes back as “Oh my God she is dying she doesn’t have long to live”.  Weird example, but I mean you can see the drama put into it and the spin people add to it.

Me myself, I have been falsely accused of things.  The problem I have is not one single person has ever taken the time to reach out to me or my husband and asked us questions or questioned whatever they have heard.  Both my husband and I have just been convicted of whatever this made up crap is and that is the way it is.  Then more people jump on this band wagon and project even more lies and before you know it everyone dislikes you and it’s literally all based on what……..nothing but LIES and preconceived notions & prejudgment about things they know nothing about!  Let me tell you what that does to someone.  It causes a lot of heartache and pain.  It causes a sadness because you wanted so much to be part of a bigger family or friendship and you don’t have a chance, you never did because people have caused defamation of character and the people close to them they just believe what they hear and destroy any chance of a relationship. 

In that toxic situation you choose you, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away from it because you can’t change it.  Sometimes there is so much damage that it is unrepairable.  You can forgive for yourself and let it go so it doesn’t consume you.  As my Dad used to say “Fuck people if they don’t want to be part of your life, their loss”  Amen Poppa so true!  It’s like you have no chance to make an impression because without even speaking a word to you someone thinks they know what you are all about.  Then there are people that play the poor me game so well.  Yet they are so completely devious you have no idea until you do something to set them off and then you see the other face they were hiding and how hypocritical they really are.  I have known both sides of a situation and have seen this in action for myself.  It really is very sad the damage it causes to so many.  Some go so far as to take their own lives because this is a type of bullying and they can’t take the pain of it and there is no way out to prove yourself.  Shame on those of you that cause that type of harm to another soul.

If I tell you something about someone or a situation it is because I have seen it for myself and I may be trying to protect someone.  I don’t just talk about people to others, I keep that to myself and my husband.  I have no reason to lie and make up things about another person.  It does nothing for me.  When I go to bed at night I want to do it with a clear conscience knowing I wasn’t out robbing or lying to people or spreading damaging rumors about another person.  I live my life with honesty, & integrity.  I have empathy & compassion for others.  If I see or hear for myself how someone is dishonest and intentionally cruel.  If I see people living selfishly and self-entitled.  If you cause me, my family, or friends harm in anyway I am done!  I have no time for that type of destruction in my life nor do I want any part of it. 

Some believe that their job title, the house they live in, the car they drive, or the family they come from Entitles them to a certain privilege.  Not in my book.  You may be very wealthy and powerful and have the most lavish things life has to offer but underneath it all you are still a human being like everyone else.  We talk about people everyday but it isn’t met with ill intent.  We talk to friends about other friends and family about things that have happened or how we feel about something.  That is totally different.  What I am talking about is when you dislike someone and say terrible things about them so others will dislike them too, you are intentionally causing harm to another human being.  When someone is trying to share something with you and you don’t hear them or project your own thoughts or feelings into it you are discounting another human being.  When you share idle gossip heard from another person and not directly knowing or seeing for yourself, you are harming another human being!  Just STOP IT!

I could go on and on about the different situations and examples but here is what I believe.  Keep your side of the road clean.  If you don’t see it or hear it for yourself it’s just gossip.  Even if you see or hear something for yourself not everyone wants the personal parts of their life spread around like wildfire for others to judge.  Bottom line is if you aren’t willing to talk to someone yourself and make your own judgment call to find out what the truth really may be then keep your mouth shut and mind your own business!  None of us are perfect but I keep to myself for a reason.  Although my husband and I have been the subject to a lot of ill intended gossip that has hurt us and our relationships with several people it will never break us.  We are too strong and have no time for that type of petty bullshit.  We don’t take people at their word about another person, we check it out ourselves and form our own opinions and conclusions. 

If more people did this there would be less drama in this world.  Friendships and family relationships wouldn’t be harmed the way they have been, but to me it just weeds out the ones I want nothing to do with because I don’t want that in my life.  I try to help others, I help animals, I speak honestly and sometimes too brutally, but I don’t lie, steal, cheat, I have no reason too.  I am who I am, like me, love me, hate me, your choice, but being a good person trying to make a difference in the world.  Cherishing my family and friends that are real, honest, supportive, those are the people I want in my life.  Whether there is 1 or 100 I will take it over a million phony fake evil people any day!   Remember what you judge may one day be the situation you find yourself in!  Be kind and be the change you wish to see in this world!

Wishing you peace & Serenity………Harmony