In the beginning I wasn’t able to really grasp the deep effects my husbands alcoholism had on me until many years later. He didn’t drink everyday so I thought he couldn’t possibly be an alcoholic could he? Quite the contrary. Just because he was a binge drinker and could go periods of time without alcohol didn’t mean he wasn’t an alcoholic. I always knew it affected me in some ways but I didn’t see that it made me just as sick as it made him, maybe even sicker. I became an enabler and a liar to cover up how much he was drinking and I made excuses for his behaviors when he did drink.
I sacrificed myself and put him first, I took care of everything, I feel like I raised the kids mostly by myself. Slowly but surely as the years passed by his alcoholism started to kill me as well. I started having more severe heart palpitations, my anxiety was through the roof, constant stomach issues, as far as sleep I just tossed and turned most nights. I took care of him when he poisoned himself with alcohol. When he gambled paychecks away I would have to find a way to pay the bills. I would try to do damage control when he would lash out on our daughter. It became a dysfunctional and sick life that we all learned was the norm in our household. I no longer had my best friend. My husband was becoming this mean, cold, angry, drunk man who had no sense of reality.
It damaged my spirit and my zest for life was diminished by his drinking. So many nights I went to bed alone and woke up alone, and sometimes he would be gone for a few days at a time. I constantly worried about everything. I became so insecure my world had become a place where I was no longer safe, but I was a mom and I had to take care of the kids. I had to protect them and do the best I could to ensure they would have a good start in life regardless that their dad is an alcoholic. I was once the most optimistic, happy, fun loving woman but I slowly started to become more bitter and resentful. Finally ,13 years into it, for a split second I contemplated taking a bottle of pills and just going to sleep so I didn’t have to feel the sadness I was feeling every single day by being consumed by his disease of alcoholism.
I prayed for a miracle every single day and somewhere inside of me I held on to the tiniest shred of hope that kept me going. I loved my husband deeply and I didn’t want to give up. I just didn’t know how to reach him anymore. I knew that unless he wanted to help himself, life would continue to get worse until he drank himself to death.
Luckily, one day my prayers were answered. He got a DUI and that started his journey into recovery. Thank goodness he has now been clean and sober for two years, but that is a whole other topic for another time. I would like to close with this, I learned how giving complete forgiveness gave me the freedom out of my own emotional prison. I learned so much about myself through this journey my husband and I have been on the past 14 1/2 years together and anyone struggling feeling alone like no one understands you please get my book and read it, it may help you in ways you never imagined.
Wishing you Peace & Serenity………Harmony