With that being said I speak from my own experiences and how I am healing and getting past my husband’s infidelity. I can’t say it has been an easy journey because it has not. It may very well be something I will heal from for the rest of my life. When my husband told me about what had happened it took my breath away and knocked me to the floor down to my knees. I felt as though my heart had just been ripped from my chest! After thirteen years together and ten months into his sobriety I had no idea why this was happening to me, to us.
See my husband is a recovering alcoholic and although he was sober when this happened he wasn’t living or practicing a truly sober life. Matter of fact my husband became a self-entitled, selfish, arrogant man with no concerns about the effects his actions or behaviors may have on me his wife! As a woman I felt violated, dirty, & ashamed. I felt worthless. I carried this so deeply in my heart as though I had done something wrong. I could not fathom how my husband could have done something so hurtful to me.
It just so happens that at the time of the infidelity I was already talking with a therapist. When I went to her a few days later I was in her office crying, completely heart broken not having a clue what to do. I remember I had said to her “There must be something wrong with me shouldn’t I Hate him right now”? She said all my feelings and emotions are normal whatever they may be there really is no right or wrong way to feel after a betrayal like that. She did explain to me the difference between an intentional betrayal and one that “just happened” as my husband had said his did. To me I always thought it was BS whenever you heard “it just happened” but the way my therapist explained it to me made a lot of sense. If someone planned out how they were going to be unfaithful then that would mean they have the intention of hurting another person. When things just happen it isn’t a thought out process and that is the difference. However, that still does not excuse what happened it just makes it different it doesn’t make it right!
I believe I had a bit of an emotional breakdown, sitting in bed crying till there was nothing left and contemplating for a moment swallowing a bottle of pills when I looked up and said “please help me, I surrender, please help me”. I had what I can only describe as a spiritual experience. I felt a warm sensation slowly go through my body from head to toe as though I was being hugged from the inside out and it left me with a sense of peace that I hadn’t felt before, and with that and what my therapist had told me my resentments were gone, my anger lifted, and my heart was ready to give complete forgiveness to my husband for all the years and all the pain he had caused.
I didn’t know if we would be able to save our marriage after a betrayal like that. But Today we are more in love, and closer than we have ever been. We are able to have conversations without arguing, we have a better understanding of one another, we listen to each other, we have to work everyday on not allowing old behaviors or patterns to sneak back into our marriage. I can’t tell you we never have bad days or arguments because we do. I can’t tell you that the pain is completely gone because it isn’t. I am still healing from everything that has happened, but I am allowing the healing to take place. If I need to cry one day, if I feel sad or anxious then I let it happen because healing is a process, it doesn’t happen overnight, it takes time, it takes work. I have to honor that within myself.
If I have any advice to give I would say to the person who caused the pain, sometimes in the middle of an emotional crisis the best thing for you to do is not react and allow the other persons process to evolve, take them in your arms and let them know that everything is going to be okay that you are there with them every step of the way and yes whether they are crying, or angry make the effort to go above. I would say betrayal doesn’t mean the end of a relationship. Of course everyone is different for some it will be the end. For us it was the end of a marriage that died from alcoholism but also one that was brought back to life with forgiveness, hope, love & recovery. Love is the most powerful energy to possess because without it you can’t forgive! My husband and I beat the odds together and if we can help others to save their marriage, or to seek help for an addiction, then sharing our personal heartache with the world is worth it!
Wishing you Peace & Serenity……….Harmony