October is domestic violence awareness month! In honor of that I dedicate this Blog to ending all abuse!! Emotional abuse is not visible like a bruise on your body. It is a silent pain that lives inside ones wounded heart and soul. You see some people say “they are just words spoken in anger it’s no big deal”. Some believe an apology will make it all better, buying gifts, promising it will never happen again…….until the next time. Most of the time it is not just one isolated incident, whether it be physical, or emotional and it becomes worse with time. The truth is, a lot of people don’t ever heal completely from the pain of abuse they just learn how to live with it. This is a topic I am very passionate and emotional about so this may be a longer than normal blog.
I myself have had a lot of emotional abuse as well as physical in my life. I can tell you that sometimes when you hear a woman say “A bruise and bones heal but words stay with you”. I can only explain that from my own experiences and it has a truth to it. (Don’t get me wrong I am not down playing physical abuse in any way) Abuse is a cycle, it is a pattern. When I was very young and encountered physical abuse it wasn’t fun being called a bitch or slut and being thrown up against walls or being choked, being thrown to the ground and having someone spit in your face. Honestly it makes you feel like a worthless piece of shit!
When I got the courage to get out of that relationship it came with a lot of abuse and I have never forgotten that feeling 30 years later………But I can tell you I have healed from it. The memories never go away but it doesn’t haunt me and I hope I can help others by sharing my experiences. Ironically the abuse usually comes from the people that are supposed to protect and love you the most, instead they hurt you more than you ever imagined possible.
These are just a few examples of what verbal abuse can sound like “Your stupid”! “Fuck you bitch, you aren’t shit”! “Your fucked up in the head there is something wrong with you”! “Your fat and ugly nobody would ever want you”! “I can’t wait to go back to work to get away from you”! “Your worthless”! “You make me sick”! “Go fuck yourself”! “Your a lazy bitch”! “Your a burden”! “Your a bad wife”! “It’s none of your business”! “Leave me the fuck alone or I will leave”! “Fucking cunt”! It goes on and on belittling the persons worth as a human being and in the end they blame you for not being able to control their own anger! If I get one message to those that suffer from abuse…….IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT HOW SOMEONE ELSE BEHAVES! No matter how angry you make someone they have no right to abuse you, make sure you are not abusing them back, two wrongs do not make a right!
I apologize for the language but there isn’t a way to sugar coat abuse and I wouldn’t want too. Basically a person who has a problem controlling their anger will get defensive, become volatile with their words, they can physically hit you, they threaten you, they can throw things, it is all abuse. It is a control issue within themselves! I want to explain what “piggy backing” means to me…….Let’s say you and your husband argue, he can’t control his anger so he starts attacking you with words and eventually the words get so nasty that you shut down because you have had the crap beat out of you verbally! Here is the cycle….he will usually apologize (eventually) and promise it won’t happen again and here comes the blame (but you push his buttons and YOU KNOW HOW HE GETS)! So if YOU didn’t push him to that point, YOU know he is already stressed out with work, HE is a recovering alcoholic/addict…….These are nothing but excuses to continue to behave badly!
Then he can be remorseful and pays extra attention to you and then it slowly fades until the next disagreement and then because he doesn’t like how you feel or agree with what your saying it is back to the most dangerous tool you can use in a fight……your tongue, and once again your insides are being torn apart by the person who loves you most in this world, your spouse! So “piggy backing” abuse to me is when you continually use whatever form of abuse you use, and the other person never has a chance to really heal from any of it because just as they may be healing from the last time it happens again. So you have multiple layers of pain that they are trying to heal from and it becomes so damn overwhelming and painful that every day there is a sadness in your loved ones eyes from being pummeled by your words! So if the same issue comes up again it feels a thousand times worse than it should be because they have no way to heal, there is no resolution……….verbal and physical abuse are not resolutions!
Let me tell you what this does to a person. Long after an argument is over the person who was abused deals with a pain that is so deep in their heart it takes a very long time to heal and some wounds never completely heal you just learn how to go forward. The worst part is the thoughts and feelings within themselves, like “I am not good enough, “pretty enough” “maybe I am a bad wife”, they lose trust in their loved one, and some days they are haunted by the words that were spoken or the actions they have taken and you feel like you can’t breathe it hurts so bad and this can happen weeks, and months later because they have no way to heal because you keep hurting them! Try to explain this to the abuser and you get things like “Get over it” “How many times do we have to revisit this same issue” “I didn’t mean it, I was angry”! Emotional abuse causes depression, suicidal thoughts, low self-esteem, trust issues, it is a very heart breaking thing to go through and those are the scars and pain you can’t see from the outside looking in, and ones you can’t explain from the inside out. Physical, emotional, being unfaithful, lying, being deceitful, these are all forms of being abusive to another person and to yourself!
The only thing I can say is if you Love someone stop abusing them, you are destroying another human being! I know that men are also abused, but in my case I only know what I have gone through and what I have heard from countless other women. So today I hope that someone out there reads this and hears what abuse does to the mind, body, soul, and spirit. I hope you seek help and get your anger under control. The people that stay with abusers are usually people who have so much Love for the other person and so much Hope that they will one day stop hurting them. We all want to see and believe the best in the ones we love the most, but sometimes those are the people that also hurt us the most and if I can bring awareness to just one person then sharing my own pain is worth it. Some people don’t make it out of these situations, they are murdered and end their own lives from the pain. Please find the courage to leave a deadly situation or if your the abuser get help now and be the change this world needs! You have to learn how to be selfless, learn how to have real empathy for them (which means feeling as though you are in their shoes) learning how to communicate in healthy ways, learn how to control your anger with proper healthy tools. It is a beautiful life when you learn to be loving, compassionate, & understanding about how another person feels inside!
Life is about Love, Forgiveness, Kindness, Hope, Faith, Giving, life is meant to be lived to the fullest. I hope all of you that haven’t been living life to the fullest, who have succumb to the evils of the world and are not being the person you wish to be……..stand up and take that first step to change and then share your story with the world and help the next person, that is how we pay it forward, reaching out to one person at a time, making a difference and showing someone else it is possible to never have to feel that way again and to live your life with integrity!
Wishing you Peace & Serenity………..Harmony Rose