The photo quote to the left speaks volumes. When an alcoholic/addict are using THEY come first and everything else comes after that. We heard this topic for the first time in a meeting last weekend about “the family after”. I thought what a great topic to write about. I know it is what I talk a lot about but you don’t hear about it being a main topic in an AA meeting. Hopefully the answer for you is a lot of healing for your families………and watching miracles happen in your own life. So much happens once they get into recovery, and for us it wasn’t a great start.
Some people when they first get into recovery can become dry and that isn’t the best way to live a life of recovery. Some people believe if they put down the substance of choice then that is sobriety, and while that is a good first step if that is all you do then you are dry and before long it will be worse than when you were using. Stopping isn’t recovery. Recovery is all about digging deep, getting to the root of the pain and confronting the demons you have been trying to run from and numb all these years.
What happened to our family after recovery began was a lot more pain for the first 10 months and then the change began. I have seen first hand the grave difference between being dry and true sobriety. A lot of communication began, a lot of change in behaviors, a lot of healing. My husband has been accused by people of “not being an alcoholic”. Some people have even said that in my book I portrayed him as a monster! My husbands response was…… “I have to be real honest with myself and others, I have to hold myself accountable for the pain and damage I caused to myself and my family”. He said “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS A DESTRUCTIVE MONSTER TO MY FAMILY AND DID UNSPEAKABLE THINGS THAT CAUSED ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY MY WIFE, DEEP PAIN”! That is my husband taking responsibility for his alcoholism and owning it!
I believe not only is it a lifetime of self discovery and recovery for the alcoholic but also for the loved ones affected by it. Sometimes it takes years before the damage done by an alcoholic shows itself. Recently, our oldest Granddaughter shared with us that we haven’t been around very much for her. I do blame my husbands alcoholism for that. Not that we aren’t accountable for our actions because we are, we own that. It broke my heart to know that while I was so busy trying to protect our kids at home from this evil addiction it was also leaking out and affected the next generation. Until we were confronted with this pain we never realized that it had such a painful effect. Now we have a better understanding and we know what we need to do to help heal and make it better. We are blessed to have the opportunity to heal things with our kids and family that have been hurt by it. So we can build a closer relationship with our Grand children too.
Everyone including myself is collateral damage by his alcoholism. It is a terribly debilitating disease that takes lives every single day. The only way to come out of it alive is by getting into recovery. No matter how many years people haven’t spoken to you or tell you they want nothing to do with you because of the way you acted while you were drinking be patient, miracles happen everyday. We have heard people in meetings talk about their children who wanted and had nothing to do with them for so many years (one guys son it took 18 years) but in the end when you show you have changed. When people see the example you are setting they will come around. Others though sadly will not. Not every marriage can be rebuilt. Not every family member will be a part of your life. You will loose many people that you thought were “friends”. Life works itself out and I can tell you that my husband has removed toxic people from our lives, in spite of my persistent suggestions of trying to make contact and work things out……..he wants nothing to do with certain people and that is his choice. I support my husband and I understand the reasons why.
Today the only people we surround ourselves with are kind supportive people who want to be in our lives. We have so many different types of people in our lives. Today we are closer than we have ever been. Even our bad days, are still great days. We have been together almost 17 years. We have learned so much on our journey so far. We have so much more to learn and grow from. We appreciate the simple things in our life like our chickens and ducks. We would never have been able to enjoy that before. We have learned how to communicate and express our feelings with one another. We talk about our problems instead of screaming or walking out. We aren’t perfect we don’t always do things right or to the best of our ability, but it is different now in the sense that we don’t hurt each other.
We live our lives to be the best version of ourselves that we can. We spend most of our time together because we spent so much of it being apart. We absolutely love our crazy life that can get chaotic at times with the animals but we wouldn’t have it any other way. We have the most amazing life because we got through it together. Our support system of people is incredible!We have learned how to be grateful for all we do have. We know that everyday we need to show our love and respect for one another. We are best friends, we protect each other and we aren’t afraid to call each other out on our bullshit (mostly I do with him) 🙂 life today is the best it has ever been, we wouldn’t change a thing because we know this life and our time together is a precious gift. Today and everyday we get to rebuild our family and strengthen the relationships we have with our loved ones. Life is beautiful.
My hope is that if one person still struggling reads this and realizes that there is a beautiful light at the end of the darkness you have been living in, all you have to do is reach out your hand and do the work, know that you too will be a miracle and your life will begin to transform before your eyes, you just have to believe it to see it and never ever give up HOPE!!
As always, wishing you Peace & Serenity……..Harmony