Author Archives: authorharmonyrose

HOW DO YOU MAINTAIN YOUR SOCIAL STATUS IF YOU DONT DRINK?

I saw this photo quote online and thought it would be a good topic to discuss.  I have heard people say things about how they feel like they “have to” drink to fit in.  My husband is a drummer so when he is playing in a band it brings us into the bars because that is where the local bands play, or if there is an event happening in town.  I got to thinking though that I have heard people of all ages talk about this and how they feel they have to drink to fit in.  To me I think that is just absurd and I feel that more people need to stand for what they believe in and not feel so pressured to do anything just to be accepted by people who are probably not true friends in the first place.

I take alcoholism very seriously because I live that life.  I am the wife of an alcoholic and the last thing I want is for my Daughter, Step-Children, or friends  to walk that same path.  When I hear my daughter tell me about her and her friends going out and drinking I have to admit that I sometimes kind of stop breathing for a moment because I have concerns about her ending up with a drinking problem.  I can hear her right now saying “Oh my God Mom, I don’t have a problem I don’t drink all the time, I rarely get drunk”!   And she is right, she doesn’t have a problem, I tend to over react at times, BUT because her Dad is a recovering alcoholic and she grew up in an alcoholic home and her biological Dad is an addict I can’t help but feel that overprotective Mom inside just praying that she doesn’t get caught up in any addiction.  My daughter is an independent young woman with a great job, and a good heart.  She is good to her family and friends.  She thinks before she makes choices and weighs what the consequences will be and that is simply by learning from past mistakes and lessons life has taught her.  I am a very proud Momma, she is an amazing beautiful person, a great role model for her nieces!

My husband and I have had people (men and women) ask us HOW we don’t drink in a bar. My husband tells them he is a recovering alcoholic and breaks out in hand cuffs when he drinks HAHAHA (a little dark humor there).  They will ask me why I don’t drink and my response is…… simply out of respect for my husband, and I don’t need to drink.  Some people are just amazed and just don’t understand how it is possible and believe we have such will power, (these are usually the people who have a drinking problem).  They say how envious they are because they wish they could do it.   Yet others judge us, and will give us these weird looks.  It is OK judge away, I know that they are miserable and addiction is in control of their lives so they can’t see past themselves and believe that somehow we are missing out on a “fun” life.  That would be where they are wrong, FUN didn’t start for us until recovery came into our lives.  Now it is all real and honest and we remember things we did and my husband doesn’t have to wake up in the morning wondering what he did the night before to hurt everyone and wake up with regret.

My concern though are the ones that do it to fit into a social standard.  The ones that do it even though they don’t like it and then they begin to crave it.  The ones that believe that if they drink or do drugs like their so called “friends” they will be liked.  The ones that do it for a guy or a girl.  I hear younger people being allowed to have a drink or two at a BBQ or a dinner event.  I do not agree with this.  I believe that this type of behavior that parents allow when they have teenagers just creates a pathway to some form of addiction and bad choices.  Maybe it is judgmental but I do not think it is OK to allow your underage kids to drink, they are not your friend they are your children, you are their parents and role models.  If you make bad choices like drinking and driving what do you think they will do?  Have a drink with your kids when they are grown adults and are of legal age.  I feel like we have enough troubled children in this world due to a lack of parenting with boundaries, structure and consequences. This of course is just my opinion I am not a doctor but I am a Mother, Stepmother, Wife, Daughter, Etc. so my feelings about this I will tell you I am biting my tongue right now to say more about it, but think before you act and do what is right long term for your children and family.

In our family there is a lot of addiction and it rips families apart.  It kills people, it causes terrible health issues, it destroys relationships, it is truly a devastating disease that you can actually do something about!  Get your ass to recovery, check into rehab don’t leave because it is tough because you know the saying “no pain no gain”.  It will be harder emotionally than anything but I can promise you this, your whole life will change in ways you never imagined were possible.  Nobody is blowing smoke up your ass it’s real, miracles do happen.  I mean it isn’t all unicorns and rainbow’s everyday but you will have those days too.  There isn’t just one way to recover but you must do it right.  Being dry isn’t the same as recovering!  Do the work and watch your life unfold before your eyes. Life isn’t going to give you everything you want, your marriage may be too damaged to save, you may have lost your job and everything you had, some of your relationships with family will be destroyed and you may never get that back, but you might, it may not be today or tomorrow but months and even years from now people do come back.  Have faith in yourself, when you are right and healthy you attract that back into your life.  If the best thing that happens is those people accept your amends and forgive you, then that in itself is progress. 

Sometimes we have to loose everything in order to appreciate just one thing!  Sometimes you have to start from the ground up all over again to live a life that is worth living.  Living drunk and strung out is not a life,  you are merely existing, it is not a way to live.  Stealing from families and innocent people, hurting others to get your next drink or your next high is not OK.  You may believe that the only person you are hurting is yourself but let me tell you that as the wife of an alcoholic and a mother to the children involved, you hurt your loved ones way more than you are hurting yourself and that is part of addiction, you can’t see past your own nose.  Trust me when I say to you no matter what age you are……..Be true to yourself, don’t drink or do drugs just to fit in because if that’s what you have to do to fit in then THOSE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE!  Your people are the ones that do not judge or criticize you but want to help you reach your God given potential to be all you can in this world.  We all have a gift, a divine purpose, find it, embrace it.  Get to know who you are without medicating and running from your issues nothing will stop that pain until you deal with it and allow yourself to heal.  Drugs and alcohol do not allow you to heal.  Recovery is work, hard work and it is something you have to choose to do every day for the rest of your life but it will be the most satisfying intense work you have ever done and the payment will be living an honest life that you can be proud of full of good honest people!!  Have a safe Memorial Day, make good choices!

Wishing you Peace & Serenity, Harmony

 

 

WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE???

Someone recently asked me what advice I could give to others in the same situation or thinking of getting into this type of situation.  I can only speak as the wife of an alcoholic and I can only share from my own experiences.  I have come to find that there are commonalities in every person who has an addiction problem no matter what the substance is.   Which outside of alcohol and drugs can also be food, shopping, gambling, and so many other things.  I can’t tell someone whether they should stay or go.  We all think and feel differently.  I can share some things that I learned along the way…………as the photo quote above states “I still loved him through it all”.  Not everyone will make it out together!

Alcoholics can have all or some of these behaviors, manipulation, lie, play the victim, blame, twist words, be emotionally and or physically abusive, leave for days at a time, loose a lot of money, infidelity, SELFISHNESS like I have never seen, broken promises, secrets, steal, and there are so many more; but you get the point.  It is so hard to separate the “alcoholism” from the person.  Addiction is just pure evil!  People try to escape their pain by numbing it and pretending it doesn’t exist but it follows you wherever you go, and until you confront and resolve it in some way there isn’t a drink or drug in the world that will make it go away!  Alcoholism isn’t a choice, it is a sickness of the mind!  It isn’t an easy life loving an alcoholic.  I can tell you that no amount of begging, yelling, or crying will change the alcoholic.  Until they are ready to seek help for themselves and admit they have a problem there isn’t anyone or anything that can get them to stop drinking.  It is a very heartbreaking life to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves and destroy their innocent families.

So many nights you spend alone.  You become their caretaker, you are responsible for everything.  You are a two parent home yet only one of you actively participates in raising the children.  You keep secrets from other people about your life.  You make excuses for your alcoholic.  You lie for your alcoholic.  You live in shame due to their addictions.  Somehow with as often as they blame you for everything and even though you know it isn’t your fault, you start to believe that somehow it really is YOUR FAULT!  The whole family gets into this dysfunctional cycle and soon it’s like you are on a hamster wheel and the cycle repeats continuously with no way out and the entire family becomes so sick from one persons addiction.  I believe the spouses and families of alcoholics suffer so much worse than the alcoholic does, in different ways.  The spouses try to take the blunt of everything, they hide and protect the children and the rest of the family from their alcoholics behaviors.  The spouse allows the alcoholic to beat them up with their emotional abuse to save the children.  You try and make life “normal” for your family.  You become an enabler and you don’t even realize that is what you are doing, sometimes they even get the children to enable their behaviors too. The family becomes just as sick as they are!

You find yourself slipping away into what feels like a black lonely hole of HELL!  You feel your soul being crushed from the inside out.  You feel your heart breaking everyday because no matter what you try your alcoholic doesn’t see things the way you do, they don’t have the ability to see things the way they really are.  They see things through the eyes of the alcohol bottle, through a false sense of reality, to escape what is really happening due to their alcoholism.  Which is why when you try and paint them a picture of what it is like from your perspective they will blame you, they will tell you that you cause your own pain.  They will crush your sprit, they will emotionally cripple you and use that as an excuse to drink!  They will twist your words to suit them because an alcoholic will not take responsibility or accountability for anything bad, it will always be someone else’s fault…..and it is usually the one closest to them…….their spouse!

I know by now you are saying “why in the hell did she stay with such a monster”?  Because the truth is he isn’t a monster the “ISM” is.  The addiction takes over their body and mind, they become a shell of the person they used to be before the disease set in.  There is a person connected to the alcoholism, they are in a great deal of pain that they felt nothing in life could help cure until they got lost in the bottom of a bottle.  One drink felt good enough to make him relax so three could really help numb the pain and before you know it those few drinks turned into bottles of the harder stuff.  Sometimes they blackout and that is much better than dealing with what drove them to drink in the first place and the cycle quickly gets out of control because when they feel the pain they drink to stop it and before long they are drinking everyday throughout the day because their tolerance is building and one drink just isn’t enough anymore.  It is too painful to face reality so they become a victim to their own circumstance as does the family.  

 Know you can’t ever control an alcoholics behavior and until THEY hit their own personal bottom and THEY realize for themselves that THEY want to change and THEY want to live a different life and THEY choose to get into recovery nothing will change, it will get worse!  In your life together when they are actively drinking you will see them have moments of clarity and they will see themselves for a moment through your eyes and they will be apologetic for all the pain they caused you and the family and they will promise to stop and do better.  And they are better for a while, but it is always short lived because the hold the addiction has on them is far greater than their strength at this point.  Suddenly you have all the HOPE in the world.  You believe them and just know that THIS TIME it will be different, until it’s not.  I believe in those moments they are fighting the disease within themselves to get out of the prison they live in, in their own mind and that is how the alcoholism keeps them coming back.

One blog post just isn’t enough to share everything about this topic but I can tell you that it is not an easy life.  It has been my journey and I chose to stand by my husband through it all.  There were years of hell and serious heartache, a lot of damage.  Although he is now in recovery going on 5 years in October he has to stay on top of his recovery.  My husband will always be an alcoholic, but now he is a recovering one, but the disease is always within him waiting to come out and take over again.  As long as he stays present in his mind and uses the tools and the program to keep his life on the right track he will be OK, we will be OK.  We have rebuilt our marriage and we have to work on it everyday.  Life still goes on and bad shit happens all the time.   People we love die, you get behind on bills, loose jobs, family gets sick, the list can go on but I have learned that if you are not able to be grateful for what you have in your life at every moment then you are not eligible for anything more until you are!  Here is an example…….if you live in an older home and the area is less than ideal and your roof leaks but you don’t have the money to fix it just yet and all you can say is “I hate it here, I hate my house, I wish I had a nicer house” well you are missing a great life lesson my friends!  It’s called GRATITUDE!!

You see I learned a long time ago that you have to give more than you get.  You have to pay attention to your loved ones when they are hurting.  You have to find the positive in even the worst of situations (because I promise you it’s there).  If you are always being negative then that is what will come back to you.  We all do the best we can and other times we fall short of being the best version of ourselves.  If you choose to stand by your alcoholic just know it isn’t an easy journey and it’s a lifelong one at that, BUT sometimes even in the darkest moments if you close your eyes and listen with your heart and soul the answer will come to you.  Life isn’t always easy sometimes it straight up sucks, sometimes it is so painful you feel like you just can’t go on.  In those moments hang on tight don’t let go, don’t give up, there is always a better way, reach out for help!  There is always someone out there that needs you, that needs to hear your story, your voice.  Not everyone can and will be saved, lives are lost everyday to addiction, it is truly heartbreaking.  You may be the person who helps save another person, even a stranger.  You may never even know the affect you have on someone and how your presence in this world changed their life, but they will know.  You never know who is listening and why.

Know this…….no matter how long we are here on this earth we all have a divine purpose. I believe we all make a difference to someone.  Life is a gift, and for those that are struggling with addictions, my hope for you is that you find help.  That you change your life to become the best YOU that YOU were meant to be!   We can’t make someone with an addiction problem get help but we can be there when they reach out for help.  For those of you that chose to leave your alcoholic please know this……. you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You did nothing wrong, sometimes you have to save yourself because an alcoholic will take you down with them.  Please don’t take my words wrong.  I am not bashing alcoholics I am the wife of one, I am simply being honest about it, and my husband would tell you the same thing.  He supports everything I write because it is all true.  I am not going to paint a pretty picture when it can be an ugly one.  I am the friend that tells you that your outfit looks awful.  Sugar coating a lie doesn’t make it easier for someone because those lies eventually all come out at some point.  As hard as the truth may be to hear at times I would rather know than not know. 

Although recovery is a lifelong process for both the alcoholic, spouse, and family it is possible to rebuild.  It is possible to start fresh and heal.  I get to see and hear miracles everyday in meetings.  Not everything is rainbows and unicorns!  We are all human we struggle at times, an alcoholic can fall back into old behaviors without picking up a drink.  People sharing their stories and their everyday problems with others helps to create healing for all.  It helps us to stay in reality and not get caught up in all the bullshit life can throw at you.  Relapses can be part of an alcoholics story but they have recovered from it time and time again.  Not everyone gets it their first time around but wanting it to be different and to keep showing up to try is what makes all the difference in the world. Never loose HOPE and hold onto believing that one minute, one hour, one day clean, sober and most importantly in recovery is better than a lifetime using!!

Wishing you Peace and Serenity……….Harmony

My Unspoken Eulogy……A Tribute To My Dad!

My Father passed away on January 27, 2017 I have been struggling to write ever since that terrible day.  As a matter of fact this is probably attempt number 2,484 but the words just don’t seem to be right.  I am just going to try and write what I know best…..to speak honestly and from the heart.  Mostly it will be full of photos and a little talking in between.  That day has changed my life, our family will never be the same.

We had so many gatherings over the years for holidays, birthdays, and game nights.  And even though my Dad spent the last 3 years and 2 months of his life in a long term care facility and hospitals that didn’t stop us.  Here are some of those moments through the years.    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When family came to town they would go visit with my Dad because he often wasn’t feeling well enough to leave, but other times we got him out of there and had a good time and always made great memories that I will forever cherish.                                                                 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Dad loves animals, so we brought in pets to visit him to make him smile.  His favorite visitor was “Charlie”, my daughters daschund that she rescued as an old guy form the shelter.  These are a few of his furry guests………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Dad is the greatest man I will ever know.  There is no amount of time that will take away my heartache from losing my father.  I am blessed to be close to my family.  I have learned that there will be family that we love but simply aren’t a part of their lives and that’s OK because other people we will be close too and they are a part of our everyday lives like my Dad was for me and my family.  If you were a friend you became family, that is how it was with my Dad.  However, in that same breathe if you hurt his family or screw us over he was done with you.  My Dad is a loud, cranky, old fashioned Italian man who was set in his ways.  He was more pessimistic than optimistic and could be argumentative (we would buttheads often)  But, he would be the first one to give you the shirt off his back, give you his last dollar if it would help you.  He is loving, kind, and funny, and the best story teller around.  Although, his stories weren’t always appropriate.  My Dad had kind of a sick sense of humor, but that is one of his charming qualities.  By far he’s always been the biggest flirt & loved the ladies!  He also had this amazing child like laugh that when you heard it you couldn’t help but laugh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The holidays were always his favorite time of year and mine too.  We always had so much fun getting together, and we all almost always spent way too much money and bought way too many gifts but I guess that’s just what happens when you love someone.  Not that money buys anything because it actually means nothing.  But my Dad loved to buy quirky gifts that made no sense but he would think it was something we needed.  He would crack himself up as we would open our presents and we would always  say “oh Gosh another one of those gifts”!   The best Christmas we had though was last year in “2016” we all agreed to spend very little and it was such a nice low key day, but it is the last time I will ever see my Dad at Christmas or any day for that matter.  Writing that thought alone broke me down into tears.  So I will share a few holiday photos…….


 

 

 


 

 

We all learned so much from my Dad.  He is a deeply loved and cherished man who none of us will be the same without.  My Dad always supported me and when he didn’t approve he would tell me.  He was like that with us kids, grandkids, my husband, frankly anyone!  My Dad was blunt and upfront with you, which is why I am the same way.  But, you could never accuse my Dad of being a liar that is for sure, if anything he was brutally honest.  Some of our past fun times with him that I will never forget. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

These are a few photos of him with his grand children and great grandchildren.  He got to spend a lot of time with my two youngest girls, they would stay the night with him and take them to the park and lunch, Etc.  He was always at our house every weekend and stayed during holidays.  He got to watch them grow up.  He also got to spend a lot of time with the oldest Great grand daughter when she was younger.  These are two of my most favorite photos of my Dad with the Girls.  The first one was when they were about 7 years old and the second one I recreated last year when they were 22 years old.  Priceless for me and I think for them too.  Sometimes you don’t realize how much of a difference someone made in your life until they are gone. 

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One of the things my Dad wanted to see most was his Grand Daughter graduate from high school then college.  He was able to see both and I know that meant the world to him.  It was important to him because he always said “she is a smart girl she will go far in life and I may not be here to see it all but I know she will be able to do anything she wants to do and take care of herself”  he wanted to know that she would have a degree and a good job so she wouldn’t struggle in life.  My Dad was always a hard working man and taught the ethics and value of a job to my Daughter and she grew up and became that type of woman.  He has always been so proud of her, she was always “his little baby”!    My Dad and beautiful Daughter during graduation.   They had such a close relationship.  This is the only Grandfather she’s ever known and had in her life, and let me tell you that nobody could have done a better job than he did, he loves her more than anything and always looked out for her.  I am positive that he watches over her now and is her angel!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Dad was so proud of my Husband when he got sober.  He was so proud of the book I wrote.  My memoir of being married to an alcoholic and the affects on a marriage and a family.   He was so happy that we were able to save our marriage and that we are happier than we have ever been.  He’s my husbands best friend, he is the father my husband never had.  My husband would have never been able to be here for my Dad when he needed him the most if he wasn’t sober.  My husband having 4 1/2 years of sobriety he was able to be here for our family during this deeply sad time and he no longer numbs himself,  he feels the loss of this great man whom we all miss.  My Dad would help him when he was adding a room onto our house and during one of those days my husband asked my Dad for his blessing for my hand in marriage.  My Dad’s response was “I wish I was a bird on that day because then I could fly above and see the expression on her face”.  My Dad, the greatest person in the world!!!!   


 

 

 

 

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I know this blog probably isn’t what I really wanted it to be but you’ll have to excuse me if my mind is still scrambled.  I have learned over the past two months that loosing someone you are close to and love dearly hurts more than anything in the world.  Nothing could ever possibly prepare ones emotions for such a life changing event.  I can see how people grieve for the rest of their lives, that is how it will be for me.  Life goes on yes, but there will always be valleys and peaks where it takes you down to your knees and the intense crying and tears will continue to fall.  It is like trying to find your place after a brick from your foundation has been permanently removed and can never be replaced.  My Dad has always been my safe place.  You see I have been with my Dad all my life, for 47 years that man has been everything to me.  He is the one man who has never betrayed me, he always kept me safe, and would do anything in this world for me.  Some photos of my Dad and our family life together…………

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I could share photos all day long of my Dad, so I will close with this…….Take a lot of pictures in your lifetime, those memories become priceless when you can look back on them and reminisce.  I took care of my Dad for many years.  I was his voice, his advocate.  I always fought for my Dad.  He told me how much he appreciated all I do for him.  I was always with him when he had surgeries, procedures, doctor appointments, and had hospital stays.  I fed him when he was too weak, I always remained positive with him encouraging him to do all he can to help himself and do his best.  I was not expecting to loose my Dad when I did he became very ill very fast and his body couldn’t handle it anymore.  There are always unanswered questions and things you wish you would have said or done.  I know my Dad knows how much I love him and how much I miss him and think about him every single day.   It hurts every day too.  Never tell someone who is grieving no matter how much time goes by to “get over it and move on” there are some things in life so deeply painful that it never really goes away.  We learn how to live with it and we know how life works.   Nobody grieves the same and no day is ever the same.  Sometimes people look strong but they are crying behind that smile, but everyone needs a safe place to break down knowing someone is there to catch them when they fall and help them when they need to get up. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Dad is my Hero, my best friend, the greatest human being I will ever know.  I know that my brother, my daughter and myself will continue to make him proud of who we are and we will carry with us all he taught us in life.  I long to hear his voice, hear his laugh, see him smile, hug him and have him kiss my cheek just one more time.  My Dad was there when we all took our first breaths in this world, and we were all by his side when he took his last……..I will forever miss my Dad I think of him every single day.  Until we meet again “Poppa” I love you with all my heart, for you are my angel in Heaven.  Some photos of Dad and I.

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This is the last photo I was able to take with my Dad holding his hand at the hospital.  Love those who love you and be thoughtful of the words you leave with someone because you truly never know when they will be your last.  As Tim McGraw’s song says “Always be humble & kind”


 

 

 

 

 

I Love You Always,  Your Daughter…………

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

         

 

What Happens To A Family After A Loved One Get’s Into Recovery?

c5ec80dba6ee0a5cfb223e18878dfd021 The photo quote to the left speaks volumes.  When an alcoholic/addict are using THEY come first and everything else comes after that.  We heard this topic for the first time in a meeting last weekend about “the family after”.  I thought what a great topic to write about.  I know it is what I talk a lot about but you don’t hear about it being a main topic in an AA meeting.  Hopefully the answer for you is a lot of healing for your families………and watching miracles happen in your own life.  So much happens once they get into recovery, and for us it wasn’t a great start.

Some people when they first get into recovery can become dry and that isn’t the best way to live a life of recovery.  Some people believe if they put down the substance of choice then that is sobriety, and while that is a good first step if that is all you do then you are dry and before long it will be worse than when you were using.  Stopping isn’t recovery.  Recovery is all about digging deep, getting to the root of the pain and confronting the demons you have been trying to run from and numb all these years. 

What happened to our family after recovery began was a lot more pain for the first 10 months and then the change began.  I have seen first hand the grave difference between being dry and true sobriety.  A lot of communication began, a lot of change in behaviors, a lot of healing.  My husband has been accused by people of “not being an alcoholic”.  Some people have even said that in my book I portrayed him as a monster!  My husbands response was…… “I have to be real honest with myself and others, I have to hold myself accountable for the pain and damage I caused to myself and my family”.   He said “I AM AN ALCOHOLIC, I WAS A DESTRUCTIVE MONSTER TO MY FAMILY AND DID UNSPEAKABLE THINGS THAT CAUSED ALL OF THEM, ESPECIALLY MY WIFE, DEEP PAIN”!  That is my husband taking responsibility for his alcoholism and owning it!

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I believe not only is it a lifetime of self discovery and recovery for the alcoholic but also for the loved ones affected by it.  Sometimes it takes years before the damage done by an alcoholic shows itself. Recently, our oldest Granddaughter shared with us that we haven’t been around very much for her.  I do blame my husbands alcoholism for that.  Not that we aren’t accountable for our actions because we are, we own that.  It broke my heart to know that while I was so busy trying to protect our kids at home from this evil addiction it was also leaking out and affected the next generation.  Until we were confronted with this pain we never realized that it had such a painful effect.  Now we have a better understanding and we know what we need to do to help heal and make it better.  We are blessed to have the opportunity to heal things with our kids and family that have been hurt by it.  So we can build a closer relationship with our Grand children too.

Everyone including myself is collateral damage by his alcoholism.  It is a terribly debilitating disease that takes lives every single day.  The only way to come out of it alive is by getting into recovery.  No matter how many years people haven’t spoken to you or tell you they want nothing to do with you because of the way you acted while you were drinking be patient, miracles happen everyday.  We have heard people in meetings talk about their children who wanted and had nothing to do with them for so many years (one guys son it took 18 years) but in the end when you show you have changed.  When people see the example you are setting they will come around.  Others though sadly will not.  Not every marriage can be rebuilt.  Not every family member will be a part of your life.  You will loose many people that you thought were “friends”.  Life works itself out and I can tell you that my husband has removed toxic people from our lives, in spite of my persistent suggestions of trying to make contact and work things out……..he wants nothing to do with certain people and that is his choice.  I support my husband and I understand the reasons why. 

Today the only people we surround ourselves with are kind supportive people who want to be in our lives.  We have so many different types of people in our lives.  Today we are closer than we have ever been.  Even our bad days, are still great days.  We have been together almost 17 years.  We have learned so much on our journey so far.  We have so much more to learn and grow from.  We appreciate the simple things in our life like our chickens and ducks.  We would never have been able to enjoy that before.  We have learned how to communicate and express our feelings with one another.  We talk about our problems instead of screaming or walking out.  We aren’t perfect we don’t always do things right or to the best of our ability, but it is different now in the sense that we don’t hurt each other.

12373375_10205683961314321_5452186814230665007_n1  We live our lives to be the best version of ourselves that we can.  We spend most of our time together because we spent so much of it being apart.  We absolutely love our crazy life that can get chaotic at times with the animals but we wouldn’t have it any other way.  We have the most amazing life because we got through it together.  Our support system of people is incredible!We have learned how to be grateful for all we do have.  We know that everyday we need to show our love and respect for one another.  We are best friends, we protect each other and we aren’t afraid to call each other out on our bullshit (mostly I do with him) 🙂 life today is the best it has ever been, we wouldn’t change a thing because we know this life and our time together is a precious gift.  Today and everyday we get to rebuild our family and strengthen the relationships we have with our loved ones.  Life is beautiful. 

My hope is that if one person still struggling reads this and realizes that there is a beautiful light at the end of the darkness you have been living in, all you have to do is reach out your hand and do the work, know that you too will be a miracle and your life will begin to transform before your eyes, you just have to believe it to see it and never ever give up HOPE!!

As always, wishing you Peace & Serenity……..Harmony

 

MY “2016” YEAR IN REVIEW!!!

merry-christmas-happy-new-year-20171 Here we are at the end of another year! It really is true, the older you get the faster time goes by.  I believe it is good for everyone to reflect upon their own lives because sometimes in the moment you can’t see things for what they really are, but when you look back sometimes you see things differently.  I don’t make resolutions anymore I believe all year through when you need to make changes that is when you should set goals. Otherwise there’s too much pressure and when we don’t complete them we feel worse.  I heard on the news yesterday that only 28% of people still do resolutions.  You do what is best for you!  Every year seems to be so busy for us, here are some of our high’s and low’s…………

Two of our rescue dogs began having some health issues this year.  One of them started having Grand Mal Seizures (vet thinks maybe epilepsy) but we don’t know for sure.  The other one just a month ago was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and he was born with a birth defect in his front leg called “ELECTODACTYLY” nick named (Lobster Claw) because his paw looks like one. 15326444_10208312593908493_744804841266261232_n115036643_10208066796163703_6915914277773987160_n1-3 Both of our boys are young and otherwise healthy dogs.  They have so much energy.  They love to run around, chase balls, play tug of war, and at the end of the day sleep on the bed with Mom & Dad.  They are the best of friends, it is adorable!  They both require daily medication and once a month one needs an injection.  It breaks my heart to watch him having a seizure, but I am glad that I have been here when it’s happened so I can comfort him.  We got this though, I know the boys will be OK. 🙂  Addison’s can be dangerous, so we watch him closely because they can have what is called an “Addison’s Crisis” which is what happened a month and a half ago when we found out what was wrong with him.

I have mentioned before that besides writing my other passion is animals.  We have cared for over 100 homeless Feral cats on our street for over 13 years now.  I happen to have a lot of extra canned cat food recently (I can’t use it very much it attracts too many predators like coyotes) I mainly use dry food for them.  Also in the donation were a few bags of dry dog food.  I put a message out on FaceBook for anyone in need of food for their pets. Below are a few of the photos from my husband and I distributing that food.  We were able to help about 10 families feed their pets.  This time of year especially is my most favorite time but when you give anytime of year you get so much more in return!

15178060_10208196707731411_1053314967055958723_n1 15181418_10208196713211548_2781306044041026925_n1 15232340_10208196711091495_6136620170556634112_n1img_6664

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This summer we also took in and are fostering a neighbors Chihuahuas.  They would be the best pets for someone BUT their worst flaw……They pee on everything.  UGH! So frustrating, but they haven’t known anything else for 6 years so it isn’t their fault.  We have tried breaking them of the habit but no luck.  We hold onto the hope that one day some amazing person will adopt them and work with their issues and love them unconditionally! (Fingers Crossed) The man is slightly disabled but the bigger battle was fighting alcoholism, he became very sick from it.  He and the dogs were living in filth.  The dogs never went outside and were living in their own feces and urine.tims

While he was in the hospital/rehab my husband and I cleaned up his house and his sister gave us a budget to get him some new things so when he was ready to come home it would be clean & livable again. Interestingly enough she lives in Washington and we never met her until months later but through all of this we have a friend for life!  What a beautiful soul she is for all she did to help her brother.  We finally got to meet her for a quick lunch.  She was so grateful for the friends we have been to her brother and how we have helped him not only transform his home but for my husband to help sponsor him and help him on his journey into sobriety.  He has 6 months clean now and we are all very proud of the lifestyle changes he has made.  He never thought it was possible since he needed to drink every single day as you can see in the photo below.  Miracles happen everyday in recovery.img_811113879295_10207305800939298_5536569181499535808_n1

We felt pretty good about helping someone in need.  We knew in fostering the dogs that they might not find a home because of their bad habits, so we built a kenneled area outside next to the chickens and found them a nice insulated dog house.  During the cold winter months though we have a kennel in the house for them.  They seem so happy.  They got to feel sunshine on their little bodies for the first time, they felt fresh air blowing on their faces.  They get to talk to the chickens and run around on dirt and feel grass on their paws.  Something they have never had before.  We knew we were doing right by them. These are the “Chi’s” sporting their winter sweaters! 🙂 14610971_10207959081270898_337457973864164160_n1

My dad had a very rough year.  He had five surgeries, he was very sick a lot of this year.  November he has been living in long term care for 3 years now and he also hasn’t walked in 3 years either.  We don’t believe he will ever be able to walk again, but we remain hopeful.  It is very heart breaking for me to see him live in a hospital setting.  14725736_10207859379378413_6357739666080334962_n2

While I am grateful there are places like this to take care of people like my father I am also saddened and disgusted by the fact that to live with some independence in an assisted living facility for someone like my father to have his own little room would cost between $6,000-$8,000 per month and of course there are more expensive places.  Medicaid and Medicare don’t cover assisted living in case you didn’t know that fun fact.  So unless you have a lot of money saved from a 401-K or someone who has the ability to care for you then this is it.   I love my Dad dearly, I have so much empathy and wish I could do so much more for him…..Maybe someday when I hit the lottery (Wink, Wink) or they turn our book into a movie then I can buy him that independence he needs so bad.  We just celebrated his 76th birthday! 🙂

My book won another Finalist award!  It is so exciting to enter these contests and wait to hear what happens.  I have another seal for my book which is really an honor for me.  I am just an average everyday woman who took a chance, and although it sells very little here and there all that matters is that I did it for me and my husband, and also hoping in sharing our own story that it may help others along the way too. 15170753_10208157361947791_6714566461664445748_n1

We also added a few more chickens to our little flock and then one of our older girls decided she needed to have babies.  Although we discouraged it and tried to stop it she kept going broody so we finally said “let her have a few babies, OH it was so exciting for us to countdown to hatching day, so adorable to watch.  We only let her have three and of course one of those is a Rooster!  We have one of those already and he’s kind of a jerk!  Ya he still scares me…….just a little 🙂

13529241_10207031685446582_8579442950087798395_n214601066_10207982228489564_8331658687392700990_n113315558_10206850614519922_2781466732497271036_n1Well the other Rooster is his son but so far he has a good temperament he hasn’t tried to attack me like his daddy but I keep an eye on him!  We also found a two day old chick with an almost severed leg in our ducks area, so I took her to the vet they made her a splint and I nursed her back to health and saved her.  We named her “Chicken Noodle” other than a few curled toes she recovered completely!  Then we had a neighbors chicken who kept flying into our yard no matter how much we put her back.  We decided to just let her stay.  Then there was a chicken just a few days ago on our street, a few of the feral cats were watching her.  I caught her so she’s also here with us now. 🙂

Our Daughter graduated from College this year.  Although my Dad was not very well during that time it is one thing he had prayed he would be here to see so it was a very special and emotional day for all of us.  Her Uncle came into town to see her and her Dad and I helped fly her other sister into town as a surprise. img_2869

Some of her closer friends celebrated with us and one just had a baby a few weeks earlier.  This was the greatest thing that happened this year for our family!img_2797img_2737  img_8443Such a proud Mom moment!  She is an amazing young woman and I’m enjoying watching her journey unfold!

img_2813 img_2909img_2795 img_2915Every year it seems I learn how to continue to be the most giving loving person I can.  How to help others.  How to be compassionate and empathetic to others.  The lessons life continues to put in my path are blessings to live my best life.  It has removed people from my life by showing me who they really are.  Life has taught me it really is better to have just a few close people that you can trust in your life.  Let’s be honest, I have a lot of people that say “I am here for you” then when you need them to talk or meet or whatever the case may be they just don’t have the time for you.  True friendship and love is about time not existing…….meaning 2:00 AM is the same as noon when you have a person in need of your help.  At least that is how I see it. 

15554667_1763164234006083_1518869815_n1 img_0999Other highlights are we celebrated our 3rd Grand babies 1st Birthday!  I helped my Aunt raise enough money so her beloved dog could have surgery to save her life.  My husband found a Siamese mix kitten in our yard this summer in some weeds and she was very sick, she almost died, we think she had heat stroke.  She survived and her adopter fell through so she made her home here with us (Of course)! We named her Mystique. 13495058_10206968928317693_795035537876207467_n1

I started getting more into writing my 2nd book that I have put off for too long because I have taken the personal attacks on me to heart and I let it prevent me from moving forward with my writing, but not anymore like it or not I am moving at a fast pace and nobody will stop me!

My husband & I celebrated his 4th year of sobriety!  It is so amazing to watch someone who couldn’t drink enough be able to not pick up a drink for 4 years and to have no desire too!  Sobriety doesn’t mean a perfect life because life still happens.  We still have our own problems sometimes.  It is hard for him to not fall back into acting the way he use too when confronted with something that makes him angry.  However as he said, he knows that he has the tools to react differently but sometimes he feels stuck.  So when you remember where you were, the person you use to be and who you never want to be again it lights a fire under your ass to change your thinking and dig into that recovery tool bag.  After all,  you didn’t come this far to go backwards.4-yr-1

As long as you are moving forward and not backwards then mistakes or not you are making great progress.  It isn’t easy for anyone to change alcoholism or not but I know that if you have your mind set and focused on being the best version of yourself and you continue to live a life making amends and being kind then you are in a better place than you once were.  My husband and I continue to go to AA meetings every weekend because it is so important to his recovery.  The friendships and people that have become a part of our lives and have made us part of theirs has been a true blessing.  To walk in and have people greet you with a warm hug because they are genuinely happy you are there is so touching.  We always hear something in meetings that we relate too and that make us think or touch us.  We can feel it when we have to miss our favorite meeting.

I have watched a close friends life completely change in an instant.  I have watched almost daily on the news someone being shot.  I am so disgusted at what has happened to our society.  Road rage because someone is driving to slow so you pull out a gun and shoot and kill an innocent 3 year old child.  Really….. is it worth it that not only did you take a child’s life and destroyed a family but you also destroyed your own family because you couldn’t control your anger and now you spend the rest of your life in prison or are put to death all because people lack patience.  Trump is our next president…..I did not expect that but I embrace change.  I am one of those Americans that are remaining supportive and hopeful because no amount of violent protesting or burning of the American flag will change that.  To me it just makes you look like a big Asshole!

It has been a bit of a crazy year.  I continue to do the best I can for myself and my family.  I talk to my daughter almost daily.  My youngest stepdaughter and son-n-law got orders to move to Belgium for 3 years, they just left last month in November.  No matter how old your children may be you always worry and want the very best life has to offer for them.  We hope they have it easier than we may have had it.  The Millennial’s have there own challenges though, but I am hoping this generation straightens up and starts getting more serious about life.  I have noticed that the younger kids today are being brought up in such a different way than we were.  I feel like there are a lot of self-entitled spoiled brats feeling like life owes them everything.  They are lazier and slower to grow up and mature.  It may just be me, but from what I have seen with our children’s generation and even our grandchildren’s generation that is my take on it!  It’s really OK if they work for things and if they have consequences and are not allowed to run around stores screaming.  I mean some people really need to take control.  It doesn’t help your children to be that way, it really doesn’t.  I have witnessed for myself that as adults it creates a sense of loss for them because they don’t really know how to be adults and it’s very sad.

8a67f16822a74c9f838896571c0acaf71New opportunities may be possible in this New Year for us we have to wait and see where the cards fall.  I know that no matter what happens it is the way it is suppose to be.  I may not always understand it or agree with it but all I can do is learn from it.  In this New Year work on yourselves be the very best you can be.  Be more patient, listen to hear not to respond.  Don’t take anything for granted because everything is a gift and can be taken away at a moments notice.  Always give more than you get.  Help others when you can.  I always try to encourage people to help animals in need.  Get involved instead of turning away in any situation that may be harmful to someone else.  Every night when you go to bed ask yourself this question………have I done the best I could today?  Did I hurt anyone?  Be quick to right your wrongs and continue to do the best you can.  Give yourself a break, don’t judge yourself by your body image, the money you make, the home you live in, or the car you drive.  If you haven’t found recovery yet but are sick and tired of being sick and tired then it is my hopes that you get into recovery, I promise it is life changing and in the best ways possible!  You know what they say……….When one door closes another opens, it is up to you whether you step through it or close it.  There is just so much more to say but I would like to close with this……..  As an unknown author trying to make her place in the world by sharing our personal memoir of our battle with my husbands alcoholism and the devastating effects it has had on our family, I appreciate each and every one of you that take the time to Like my author page, follow me on all social media, and buy my book.  Those that follow or take the time to read my blogs.  It is a daily struggle when your name isn’t Ellen DeGeneres Or Oprah but it is what we love to do, write and share and hope to make a living or a difference.  So, from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful to all of you and as my husband and I continue on our own journey we hope you will come along with us.  We couldn’t have come this far without your support!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year my friends!  Be safe, stay sober!  See ya in “2017”  Wishing you Peace & Serenity………….Harmony15622756_10208404080275595_1863052595413846279_n1

 

 

 

 

 

 

MY THOUGHTS ON THE ELECTION AND THE PROTESTING………

america-will-never-be-destroyed-from-the-outside-america-quote1I don’t think I could have found a better quote given what is happening in our society right now.  Throughout this entire election I have never seen such vile anger and self-entitlement. I am truly sickened by what I am seeing and reading, as are so many others. The social media interactions between people go much deeper than just a difference in beliefs.  The way people are behaving is showing their character and integrity as a human being and for a lot of people it is NOT admirable!  I have heard people say that this is TRUMP’S fault because of his words.  No it isn’t anyone’s fault but your own, no matter what another person says or does, YOU and YOU alone are responsible and accountable for your own actions!

I am all about people having the freedom of speech and for each of us to have our own individual opinions, However, when those thoughts turn into action and those actions are physically harming people and the land we live in then it becomes personal to me because I am an American and the things I see on the news and read in social media are total absolute bullshit!  These people that are protesting that are turning into riots are allegedly fighting for what?  The fact that their candidate did not become president?  They are protesting that Trump “Is not MY president”,  what in the hell good will come out of this?  I wonder what these people protesting would think if others were out protesting against Hillary being our president elect?  Taking time off from work, canceling events, Etc. & everyone being in an uproar over it?   My guess is it would look something like this…..They would say “Get over it” and that those people are being ridiculous.  So I would like to challenge those people and ask them to switch shoes with the others and how would you react? 

I have heard people say that TRUMP caused this by his degradation towards women and others but here are my thoughts about that………You say he is rude, corrupt, a liar, degrades people, he’s racist, and so on, yet you believe that YOUR nasty words and violent actions are justified because your pissed off Hillary is not our president elect!  Where is the logic in that?  These negative actions will not change anything……..People like this are destroying our America and creating further divide in a society where divide is already such an issue.  Instead of being dignified, and finding a way to come together and carrying on an adult conversation or debate it has become tumultuous at best.  I don’t define myself by any particular party because that is my choice, I make my political decisions based upon what I hear the candidates say and who I believe will be the best person that will get those things done that speak to me.  I don’t agree with some of the nasty words he has spoken I have actually been appalled by things I have heard him say.  However on that same note I would like to say that if everyone of us were judged by the sound bites of our anger, misspoken words, things you have done, and your personal opinions do you think people would gasp at any of those words?

I have heard people say that they voted for Trump and were willing to take a chance on someone who is not a career politician because they are tired of the career politicians, they are tired of the government running every aspect of our lives.  The most disgraceful thing is these people that are protesting are doing hateful things like Burning the American flag, that in itself to me makes you UN-AMERICAN and there should be legal consequences for that!  People have sacrificed their lives to make sure that you stay safe and you have the right to vote.  Professors at colleges coddling the students because they are too distraught about the election.  Well known entertainers canceling their concerts because they are too distraught about the election.  People calling into work because they are too distraught from the election.  Seriously people……When did we become such a self-entitled whining society?  Not everyone wanted Trump not Everyone wanted Hillary.  This is not the first presidential election where the electoral votes won over popular vote, this is the fourth time in history it has happened.  To me this is like a massive bullying session and people are stomping there feet and crying because they didn’t get their way, so to make their point they are going to cause damage and destroy things to show that they are powerful?  To me that shows weakness, great weakness because it is not done in a dignified way.  People have said to me that the liberals and democrats are radical in their ways of doing things.  With these protests I see exactly what they mean.  If Hillary was elected I don’t believe Trump supporters wouldn’t riot like this, people lick their wounds and move on with their life just as they did when Obama was elected, or Bush, or the other Clinton.

I totally understand the fear for the illegal people that are here.  I know people come here for freedom and to raise there family in a better way.  They want a better life.  I absolutely get that, and I empathize, but I also believe that we all have to abide by the laws.  I believe that the people who have green cards or working visas should be given the ability to become a legal citizen.  I don’t believe that this wall should be built and we throw 11 million people out of our country but I also understand that Americans have been in fear as well from the people who come here to destroy our people and our land.  However to say that the saddest day of your life was when Trump won the election is just beyond comprehensible to me.  What a joke……a sad day is watching a loved one fighting cancer.  A sad day is watching your parents age with Alzheimer’s or some other disease and knowing there is not a damn thing you can do about their suffering.  A sad day is when a family loses their home, their jobs, their children, Etc.  A sad day is watching your newborn baby fight for her life after having open heart surgery.  A sad day is NOT losing your president elect, that is an honor that you get the right to vote!!  We have to become ONE, that is what America  is all about.  We are all blessed even on your worst days that we get to live in this beautiful world of ours.  We can agree to disagree in a respectful manner.  We can have debates in a dignified way.  We all have to accept things sometimes that we may not like or agree with but being part of this hate cycle and spewing your vengeance upon innocent people is wrong.

“We are One nation Under God!”  We live for “Liberty and Justice for all!  We have to give our president elect Donald Trump the opportunity to create the great change he talks about,  just as I would give Hillary if she was our next president!  He talks about “ALL PEOPLE” and I for one want a better world for myself, my family, my children, and every single one of you out there.  We are all human beings we breathe the same air.  If we hold each other up instead of tearing each other down and work together you may just begin to see the world become a place that is safer again.  I pray the protesters stop the madness and find a positive better way to be the change they wish to see in OUR AMERICA!  We are all in this together no matter who is in the White House.  Wanting Trump to fail is wanting America to fail and to me that is as UNAMERICAN as it gets!

Wishing you Peace & Serenity……..Harmony