Category Archives: Blog

WHY ARE PEOPLE FAKE? WHAT’S WRONG WITH JUST BEING REAL?

It’s just like when you were in high school trying to fit into the crowd.  It seems honesty these does is a rare treasure to find, sad isn’t it?  I don’t understand it.  Maybe that’s because I can be honest to a fault, even brutal at times.  Seems I have a problem with a filter when I do open up…….I don’t really have one!  I will take the cold hard truth any day over some sugar coated bullshit lie!  You know when people say “I am lying to protect them so they don’t get hurt” as my Dad would say; “That’s horseshit”!  He was very blunt and harsh with his words, but you always knew where you stood.  Why pretend to be something you are not, the truth always comes out eventually.  Besides, it takes a lot of work to remember all those lies and stories you tell people.  “Who did I say I hate”, “who did I say this and that too”…..WOW no thanks!  I will stick with being brutally honest thank you!

Even where addiction is concerned.  This is going to sound kind of bizarre, but, my husband had people that would talk shit about him about him being an alcoholic.  Yet when he tried to talk to them and tell them that he is in fact an alcoholic they would say “No you’re not”!  My husband would argue with certain people to try and make them understand he is in fact an alcoholic, and then others would say “Yes he is an alcoholic” and they would still respond with “NO HE IS NOT”.  Strangest thing I have ever heard.  Someone is changing their life for the better and their family.  They have spent years in recovery getting sober and clean, why would you take that away from them?  It’s like sometimes people have this image of who THEY believe you are in their mind and it doesn’t matter if it is good or bad, you can’t seem to reason with them.

There are people that LOVE drama.  They keep toxic people in their life.  They will twist the truth about people, they will even make shit up just to hear themselves talk.  I want to be the person that if someone talks bad about me people will question whether what they say is real because they know my character is nothing like what people are portraying me as.  If that makes any sense at all?  I have been lied about and lied too, haven’t we all!  Master Manipulators, those are the ones you have to really watch out for because they are so good!  You can have the best instinct and be such a good judge of character, but even those type of people can sell you bullshit, tell you it’s pudding and you’ll believe it!  Spreading lies and gossip about someone ruins lives.  People take them at their word, and next thing you know your being thrown under the bus and you have no idea why, and you have no chance of correcting it.  People loose jobs over things like this.  As a matter of fact, right now some woman in my husbands field of work is spreading nasty lies about him to try and gain business she can’t get on her own because she sucks as an overall human being!  But, because these other women believe what she is saying is true it is affecting his business.

Look, none of us are perfect.  But if you are going around gossiping about someone when you have no idea if what you are saying is even true about someone else, then YOU are part of the problem!  If you can’t take the time to talk to the person in question yourself, then keep your mouth shut!  People have to realize that their behaviors and words do affect other people.  Sometimes it can be very painful and devastating.  I have been there.  It is very hurtful to be lied about, to be called nasty names, to be gossiped about so others will hate you too.  All based on lies. 

The best lesson I learned from all of this has been so beneficial for me and my healing.  I learned that, I can’t make someone like me or love me no matter how much I want them too.  I learned when people show me who they really are the first time that is who they are, there is no changing that.  I used to chase people when they walked away, no more, you want to go, I will gladly open the door for you.  When I stopped allowing the toxic people to hurt me, it was literally like a whole new life opened up for me.  Actually, for my husband and I.  When we stopped interacting with those kind of people our lives got so much better, imagine that!  Think about it……If removing toxins from your body is good don’t you think removing it from your mind is just as beneficial?  I am not going to tell you that after almost 40 years of friendship losing who you thought was your best friend doesn’t hurt because it does.  I can’t tell you that not talking to family because they are this way won’t hurt because it does.  What I can tell you is that it doesn’t mean you have to stop loving people, it means you love them and pray for them but they can’t be a part of your life at this time.  Some people are best kept at a distance or not be in your life at all.  Surprisingly, new people come into your life.  If you are really blessed and open to it, you may even have an earth angel walk into your life as I did when you need someone the most.  And Through them you will trust again and you will feel safe and comfort.  I learned the hard way that when I stopped fighting life thinking I knew what was best for me and just surrendered, life took care of me!  Always be honest, and keep doing you!

Wishing you Peace & Serenity,  Harmony

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HEALING FROM THE PAST AND MOVING FORWARD IS NOT EASY TO DO BUT AN IMPORTANT PART OF LIFE!

This quote is very powerful to me.  Forgiving people doesn’t mean it will erase the pain and memory of what happened (although that would be nice) but it does allow us to work through it to heal and create a different outcome, rather than holding onto the resentment and anger of what was.  We have all been through heartache.  I had a very hard time getting over a lot of things from my past.  I know some of these memories run much deeper and are more painful than others.  Like forgiving my husband for being unfaithful, that is a memory that still to this day can trigger me and cause insecure feelings.  That doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven him, it is a painful memory that I can’t delete and one that I got to learn and grow from.  Until I surrendered and handed all my pain over to the Universe, God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, nothing changed for me, I was stuck in my own pain, my own emotional prison.  Once I made the choice the relief was literally instant, it was one of the most amazing miracles I have ever felt in my life!  Forgiveness for something that I would never be able to control or totally understand meant that surrendering was the only healthy option I saw that gave my husband and I the second chance to rebuild our marriage and create a whole new life for ourselves.  Which also allowed me to heal from.

People hurt us everyday, both intentionally and unintentionally.  People judge you when they don’t even know you, they listen to lies and gossip rather than talk to the person in question, and have actual conversation and then decide for themselves.  I have found that if I can’t work through and somehow give forgiveness for myself, or if I can’t give it to someone else then I get stuck.  Stuck in my head and my emotions that constantly spin out of control.  The pain repeats itself over and over and over and over…….(you see where I am going with this) it doesn’t change what happened, you just keep reliving it until you can accept it and move forward.  I really don’t like the saying “Let it go” sometimes there are things we can’t seem to let go, no matter how hard we try,  so I choose to say “Move forward” instead.  See, the memory may still be with me but I have been able to take steps forward to  heal from whatever hurt me in the first place.

I learned a long time ago that if we don’t work through something whether with the person who hurt you, with yourself, or a therapist, you MUST communicate about it.  I have family members right now in the middle of a really painful situation that happened years ago.  It wasn’t talked about it was swept under the carpet only to rear it’s ugly head years later, and it is back with a vengeance!  There is a lot more damage this time and relationships are forever changed because of it.  I am not saying that you can heal everything with people because that doesn’t always happen.  Some things are beyond repair and you have to learn to walk away or love them from a distance.  Some people won’t do anything to get healthy emotionally and won’t do anything to try and heal or move forward, they stay stuck for years and this is how they live.  That is the saddest thing I have seen, someone in pain everyday for life because they refuse to talk or get help.  No matter what though, for yourself, you have to find a way to work through your feeling’s and emotions.   Otherwise it consumes you and causes you to be sick.

Talk to whoever you trust, work through it with them.  When you write out your feelings sometimes you don’t realize just how angry, or hurt you are, but when you write things out or talk them out you will also discover your part in it, things you have been unable to see………Yes, I said YOUR PART!  Look, it is so easy to blame other people who obviously do things that hurt us but we have a part in it.  Not meaning what they did is your fault, but maybe how you handled it, things you said, did or didn’t do.  When you are willing to see something with eyes wide open and you are honest with yourself you will be able to say “I shouldn’t have said or done that”, again it doesn’t mean it is your fault.  We are all responsible for our own behaviors.  Nobody MAKES you hit them, nobody MAKES you call them names, nobody MAKES you sabotage someone’s character.  Meaning you have a choice in the moment as to how YOU will react.  My husband when he was actively drinking use to always say  “this is your fault, if you didn’t make me so mad I wouldn’t have drank so much and called you those nasty names and busted up things in the house” He had a CHOICE and he chose to blame me, so he wouldn’t be held accountable for his own actions which is typical with addictions.  Words once spoken can’t ever be taken back, no matter how sorry you are, the way they can pierce one’s soul, the damage is done. 

So, when you are in an argument or before you jump to say hurtful things back to someone remember;  we are all responsible for ourselves.  We are accountable for the way we behave and the things we say.  There is no excuse, period!  It is easy to loose your cool when you are at odds with someone, especially if they are attacking you, but it is only temporary, don’t say something permanent that you will more than likely regret and not be able to take back.  If we can all remember that even in heated discussions or disagreements we can still be respectful of one another.  If you are open enough to actually listen to the other person without just waiting to respond you may be able to understand where they are coming from.  Compassion and empathy are very helpful tools.  As much as we love people, whether it be family, friend, or a partner.  Sometimes they are only meant to be in our lives to teach us a lesson.  Sometimes they are there to help you through a hard time.  Some stay forever.  Some are just acquaintances and others are your person, your best friend.  I have had “friends” walk out of my life after 30 some odd years of friendship.  I can’t tell you it didn’t hurt because it did.  I can’t tell you I understand why people leave your life with no explanation that you thought you could trust, but they do.  I have learned to be grateful for the times they were there for me and for the lessons I learned by what they did.  Grateful that sometimes the Universe cleans out the toxic people in your life for you because we will never do it ourselves.  We all want to be loved, accepted, adored, and not judged, but not everyone will, that is when we have to just move forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, and trust that life is putting us exactly where we need to be and we don’t always understand why, but trust the journey! 

Wishing you Peace & Serenity,  Harmony

 

HOW AN ALCOHOLIC AFFECTS THEIR LOVED ONES!

I have written about this topic before but recently have had many people talking about what happens to the spouse of alcoholics.  It is not an easy path to take.  It can be a very painful one.  I myself can only speak from my own experience and remembering the words that others have shared with me.  Very rarely have I heard of an alcoholic home being free from verbal or physical abuse. I have sat in the rooms of AA with my husband for the past 4 years and I can tell you that all the stories you hear all have similarities, it’s just the situation and people that change.  Alcoholics basically have the same stories.  Verbal/emotional abuse is one of the worst things in my opinion that you can do to a person.  The hurt and scars run so deep they stay with you for a lifetime.  Which end up leaving you with triggers in certain situations that cause you anxiety and heartache all over again.

I wrote my book for this exact reason…….Because I felt so alone like I was the only one going through something like this and being treated this way.  Like I couldn’t figure out what I was doing so wrong to make him be so mean to me!  There are very few books from the spouses of alcoholics talking about life from their perspective so I thought if I shared my story, maybe I could help someone who felt as isolated and worthless as I did.  My husband is now a little over 5 years sober in recovery but the 13 1/2 years of hell while he was drinking is nothing I will ever forget.  As the quote to the left says……they lie, deceive, manipulate and do whatever they need too, so they can continue to drink and they don’t feel guilty because they blame you and they believe their own bullshit and lies!

My husband was so verbally cruel, he knew how to shut me down.  The thing is, it wasn’t just in the moment it is something that stays with us deep inside our soul.  It wasn’t just about being called nasty names, it was more about knowing things that hurt you deep down and using that to stop you dead in your tracks.  Because how do you react when your heart is shattering into a million pieces right inside your chest and you feel like you are dying a slow lonely death?  You can’t speak, fight back, cry, all you can do is crumble to the floor while they step over you (literally) and carry on with their addictions.  Sad but so true.  What I learned from my husband is while we, the sober ones remember every single detail of heartache, they only remember parts of it.  The truth is, he convinced me it was somehow MY FAULT!  He would say things like “if you just stop bitching about my drinking and let me do whatever I WANT we wouldn’t have a problem”.  That really was not the case.  Even if we were getting along he would literally start an argument and rip me apart so he would feel “justified” in his own fucked up mind to leave his wife and kids to go drink.  It didn’t matter that we had kids at home.  It didn’t matter if they were his children, he would leave them and I was responsible for them.  Yet that is another losing battle because you can’t really parent them the way you parent your own child and yet when you do nothing at all your still the bad guy, basically it was always a loose, loose situation for me.  It was very difficult to be a “parent” to children who’s father would disrespect me in front of them.

There were times that my husband would have moments of clarity and realize that his drinking was killing him and hurting us, his family.  He would say “I know I’m an alcoholic and I need to stop drinking, I am hurting myself and my family”.  You get so hopeful and optimistic that they are going to really change and get help.  Days, weeks, even months go by and you see the person you fell in love with only for it to fall apart because they can only do it for so long before alcoholism’s grip becomes so strong and enticing they go back to the bottle once again.  This pattern alone breaks your heart over and over and over again and drives you crazy because you fall for it time and time again, you want to believe so badly that “this time” it’s going to be different.  Selfishness also goes hand in hand with alcoholism and any addiction.  It is a ME way of thinking ALWAYS!  He pulled out our entire 401-K without my knowledge, he bought himself a Harley Davidson motorcycle weeks before our girls graduated high school because HE WANTED ONE.  Not thinking about the girls if they are going to college how he could help.  He would go out all the time to the bars drinking and staying out till late night early morning hours.  He would gamble paychecks and we wouldn’t be able to pay our mortgage or buy food, yet I was the one left to clean up his mess.  He only cared about himself.  It didn’t matter if anyone was home sick, it didn’t matter when I had surgery, when family members went into the hospital, he was no where to be found because drinking was more important to him than his own damn family.  He wasn’t capable of being available emotionally or physically for us.  As the years went by he got worse, the drinking increased, he drove home drunk more times than I can even count both car and motorcycle and the only thing I can feel grateful for is he didn’t kill someone or himself!  I would pray for him to get stopped by a cop and arrested hoping that would be a wake up call for him to get help.  Truth is that until a person is ready to change themselves and get help they will not be able to be strong enough to beat the demons of addiction, they have such control over your mind and you are so entwined in that mental prison you can’t see things for what they really are, they have a false sense of reality and it is a sick one full of lies and deceit.

Worst part is when they tell lies about you for their benefit.  He would lie to his family and throw me under the bus so they would focus and hate me (which they do).  There would be family functions that I knew nothing about and we wouldn’t go but what I didn’t know was he would blame me so that way he could go drinking.  Alcoholics are the most selfish, self-entitled people I have ever met.  They could careless how they make you feel, they will always blame you, somehow it is always someone else’s fault. I was such an enabler for so long, not realizing what I was actually doing.  Making excuses for him, taking care of him when he poisoned himself with alcohol, I would buy his alcohol.  When I stopped doing those things we started fighting more often but I stood my ground.  I would say “you are an alcoholic, you are destroying our family you need help”.  Of course until they themselves reach out for help they won’t stop, it has to be their choice.  The destruction they leave until that day if it ever does come is just awful.

I could talk about this for days, that is why I wrote my book.  This is what I know for sure……if they don’t want help nothing you do will make them seek it until they are truly ready.  It is very easy to loose yourself inside someone else’s addictions.  You see, while you make them a priority you stop taking care of you.  They manipulate so well that you actually believe everything is your fault and you try so hard to not complain and be better, you isolate and become a liar yourself being ashamed of something that isn’t your fault, but it doesn’t matter because please hear me IT IS NOT YOU!  IT IS NEVER YOUR FAULT!  We are not free from any accountability though.  I found that it was so easy to just put all the blame on my husband because after all he is an alcoholic.  However, when I got into counseling and took a real honest look at everything there certainly are things that I am responsible for, but one thing I and no one is ever responsible for is someone else’s addiction.  You made them mad, or upset, you forgot something, you did something, Etc. it is never ever anyone’s fault but the addict themselves.  Addictions whether it be drinking or drugs is truly a disease of the mind.  It is living in a prison inside ones mind and body unable to stop on their own but not yet willing to reach out for real help so they become dry.  What we think is their bottom they don’t see it that way.  What does that mean, it means that they aren’t using but they aren’t living a clean sober life either.  To be in recovery means you are healing your mind and your soul.  You have to do emotional cleaning from the inside out.  Every person I have ever spoken with that has used, is numbing the pain or running from things in life and not facing them.  The problem with that is these things never go away, they will haunt you for the rest of your life until you confront the demons that brought you to the bottle or pill in the first place.  Alcohol, drugs, they just cause even more problems and before long you loose everything and everyone you love and you find yourself alone. 

My husband caused serious emotional damage to our kids and myself, and other family members too.  My husband lied, stole, was unfaithful, was abusive, manipulating, Etc. and until I surrendered myself and let it all go knowing I was leaving my life in the hands of the universe I wasn’t free.  I was living in my own emotional prison and believe me it was pure torture!  I had to forgive my husband for myself for all the horrible things that he said and did because I was the one carrying the heartache and pain of it every day.  I had to stop trying to control his drinking and just let it be.  I stopped fighting about it, I had to let go and it wasn’t until I did that things changed for us.  My husband and I were able to save our marriage by letting go of our old life and begin a new one together.  Although it isn’t as easy as it sounds but my book explains it all.  We are one of the blessed ones.  Many do not stay together, we have seen a lot of divorces happen and break ups.  We went through alcoholism together and made it out the other side in a whole new life.  We worked hard at it and continue to this day to communicate openly and work at our blessed life.  We have had a lot of people walk out of our life and we are OK with that because they are toxic people and we have no place in our lives for that.   

My husband got to a place where he finally realized he was just dry for almost a whole year and needed to really make changes and do some hard emotional work If he was going to live a clean life, he had to get real with himself and others.  My husband tells me that because I didn’t give up on him in our darkest days and chose to show him love and stand by him is what helped him to want a new life for us and not walk away from our marriage. It is a hard life to be with an alcoholic.  I honestly can’t tell you if I had to do it all over again I would want too because the pain it caused was too much.  At the same time if we didn’t go through that I don’t know if we would have learned the lessons we did and help the people we have helped because of it.  My deepest regret is that the kids got hurt and that our daughter suffered terrible verbal abuse from her Dad.  I wish I could take away those memories because they are painful and as a Mom the only thing I want for our kids is happiness, love and joy.  I know life isn’t pain free though but it hurts my heart. I don’t think we would have the deep understanding and love that we share today if we didn’t go through this.  We loved one another from the moment we met we just knew, but when you have an addiction complicating things you are only able to have moments and glimpses of who the person really is.  It’s like having an evil alter ego that mainly takes over your life. 

If you take anything away from my jumbled blog post know that watching those we love go through addiction is painful and you can’t stop it.  There is nothing worse than watching people we love kill themselves and feeling helpless.  Please know it isn’t your fault.  That doesn’t mean you can’t try to help but in my own opinion don’t enable them just to be part of their life, that does more harm than good.  We have one of our children still struggles with addiction.  The hardest thing to do was letting him go.  We still reach out with no responses hoping and praying one day the call will come in for help to get clean but until then we fear the phone call of losing his life may come first.  That is the harsh painful reality of alcohol and drugs, it doesn’t care about the color, age, gender, of a person, it will take anyone who is vulnerable and lie to make you feel better and in that moment of weakness you listen and you are hooked.  We know we can’t enable and be part of the addiction dance.  For those that feel that it is somehow your fault because your spouse, child, parents, friends, tell you it is know those are the demons that have hold of your loved ones talking.  We are all accountable for our own actions and reactions.  I hope you all know that you are worth so much more.  No one deserves to be verbally or physically abused.  Drugs and alcohol are just an excuse to behave poorly, but even they are not excused from their actions, at some point you have to choose whether you want to continue to live your life this way or walk away and start over.  There is no easy answer or cure and each situation is different, yet the same.  You are not alone, there are so many families and people out there who understand your pain.  Addiction is still hidden and not talked about a lot, although it is being talked about more but not nearly enough.  There is no shame and no reason to hide.  There are so many resources now to help everyone.  When you start to truly recover and live a clean life and start working through the rubble of your life and the messes you have made you learn how to take accountability, stop blaming and make amends to those you have hurt.  You start to feel good and clean and you begin to see the miracles that have been waiting for your for so long.  One day at a time is all we can take things. 

As the wife of an alcoholic I know the pain and heartache all too well and my message is you are not alone, reach out for help, talk to others, read books.  I can promise you this, we do heal and you can change your life when you surrender and let it all go.  Take care of yourselves because you are worth it and you deserve to feel good in your own skin.  I pray everyday for those that never made it to recovery and those still out there suffering.  My hopes is you all find your way to recovery and start living the blessed life you were given, because we all have a purpose here on this earth, I hope you all find yours!

Wising you peace & Serenity,  Harmony

MY 2017 YEAR IN REVIEW!

This has been the most heart breaking year for me.  I lost my Dad this year and let me tell you this, if you haven’t lost anyone close to you then you will not be able to really grasp what grief feels like deep down in your soul until someone you cherish and are very close too leaves this life.  My Dad is my safe place, my biggest supporter, my hero.  I have learned so much from him.  Everyday I miss him more than the last.  I know that he would want me to be happy and live my life which I do, but some days are much harder than others.  That being said, take ALOT OF PHOTOS in your life!  Sometimes they are all the memories you have left of certain times or certain people.  Believe me when I tell you that you will cherish them!

We had 5 ducklings born this year!  They are definitely much messier than chickens but boy are they cute to watch.  You know they are totally adorable makes you almost want some right!! One of our Momma chickens actually hatched them and took care of them for 2 weeks, not kidding!  And we still have our jerky aggressive Rooster……Ya still afraid of that little ass but he sure is a beautiful bird, his name is David Bowie…..It’s the hair!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our home is paid off, what a huge relief that is!  We were also able to get a new roof put on the house finally after dealing with years of a leaky roof!  We lost 2 of our longtime rescue cats this year Lewis & Lucy along with many more…..that is never easy, always breaks my heart.  I hope it is true what they say, that all the animals you have loved in your life will be waiting for you.  Oh boy let me tell you how many will be waiting for me, they will need a new place just for me and my entourage of beloved furbabies!  My husband and I rescue homeless cats and pick up and rescue dogs off the street from getting hit by cars.  As a matter of fact we are in the process of building indoor/outdoor enclosure #2 for the rest of the cats in our area.  We intend on getting them all off the street and safely in an environment where they will live happy, warm, and safe!  We have taken in 17 new cats and kittens over the past 3 months.  We have had close to 400 cats spayed/neutered.  Someone tossed them out like they were trash but we see the beauty in those less fortunate struggling to survive, no animal should be left outside to live  like cats and dogs.  Oh I should mention that I know my purpose on this earth is to save animals, and the compassion and love I have for them is so deep, they are all sentient beings in my eyes!

We celebrated my husband having 5 years clean and sober!  This was such a nice day.  My Dad was with us in spirit he was always so proud of my husband for getting into recovery and changing his life! This photo is what can happen when you are clean, you have family & friends that celebrate with you, not everyone supports you and some people leave your life but what you gain is indescribable, he lives a great life now one with integrity and honesty!


 

 

 

 

 

My Husband has increased the company he works for by 40 million a year!  Not kidding!  He is an incredible sales man who has been in the industry for 30 plus years.  To say he found a great company he will be blessed to retire with is nothing short of answered prayers.  Being in your 50’s looking for a new job isn’t always an easy task but they took a chance on him and believe me the owner of the company even said to me at the Christmas Party this year that he is an awesome man who does a phenomenal job!  Yes he is but let’s be careful how BIG you allow his ego to get……..HAHAHA!  Just after I wrote this my husband walked into the room and I said “Is there anything that happened this year you can think of”  His exact words were “I AM GREAT” see EGO……. If you are miserable doing the work you are doing find something you love to do, it is important you like your job!

It has been a very difficult year for me.  I haven’t written like I want too, as a matter of fact often I am just blank.  My Dads passing has really changed my life.  It’s like you know these things happen in life but believe me you can never prepare for how it affects you.  All I can say is I do my best and some days the winds are knocked out of my sails and I have to remember to take time for me and continue to grieve.  My Dads passing has also brought out the “real person” in some people who have removed themselves from my life.  That was a shocker and now I can say it is a blessing not a curse.   I think we sometimes see people for what we want to see them as or make them out to be what we want them to be, but when you have the opportunity to look back on things you often see that what you thought was real really wasn’t real at all. 

Some of the problems I have seen in todays society is the raging selfishness and self-entitlement from people!   It sickens me and I am happy to not have those type of people in my life.  You realize that sometimes strangers become friends, and friends become strangers.  Take chances in life and do what makes you happy.  Share your life with your partner don’t live a life separate.  Sometimes people forget they are sharing their lives.  COMPROMISE, COMMUNICATION, GIVING, these things are so important in any relationship!  I wrote a blog a while ago that talked about if friendship can survive alcoholism…….I am so excited that my dear friend who had one foot in and one foot out drinking and not drinking is NOW SOBER!! 

Here is what she said to me the other day……..She said I now have almost 5 months of not drinking she said “I never realized how much money I was actually spending on alcohol”  She said she now has money to buy thing and do things!  She said she also never realized what a depressant it really is.  She was the most negative person, also skeptical and bah hum bug about a lot of things, never saw a bright side.  Now she is smiling, happy and relaxed!  She has a positive energy and glow about her and she looks great.  She said “Until I stopped drinking and was serious about it I never realized how much it affected my life”  She said she even gets to have conversations with her daughter that don’t go right into arguments.  Love her she is family. I am so happy about this I can’t tell you how much I can see the changes she has naturally made because she kicked alcohol out of her life!  So proud of her!

I will leave you with this……..there are significant things in life that will knock you to your knees like losing someone you love dearly.  We are all in this world together and you can all make a difference if you just try.  Whether it is getting clean and sober, making amends, changing jobs, changing the way you treat others.  You are the only one in control of how you behave.  If you owe an amends don’t wait because sometimes you may not have the opportunity.  It is so true that we are never guaranteed tomorrow.  Be kind to others, donate, volunteer, help people and animals, do good in this world leave your mark! 

These two photos are my most favorite Christmas photos of all time the one where we are on the stairs is with my Dad being childlike and the other is our last Christmas together.  If I can touch anyone I would say this……although my Dad wasn’t well we didn’t expect to loose him when we did.  My Dad and I argued the day he went to the hospital.  When I got the call that he was going to the emergency room he was in bad shape not conscience and it took 2 days before he opened his eyes enough to talk to him and we got to say I love you and joke around with him and about 6 hours later I got a call they were intubating him and I never got to talk to him again.  All I could do was hold his hand and talk to him to let him know I was there!

Sometimes we don’t get a chance to make things right, although this was our thing Dad and I always butted heads but I took care of him and we always knew we loved each other and how close of a bond we shared.  If I never had a chance to talk to him again it would have haunted me for the rest of my life!  I would never want the last words said to be bad ones.  My message is it is OK to not be a part of someone’s life, not everyone has a place in yours.  You can love family from a distance and wish them well knowing it is too toxic to be a part of them.  We can’t beat ourselves up over the things we have no control over but we have to learn how to make peace with things, even things we aren’t ok with.  Do your best every day to be better than you were the day before.  Go to bed at night with a clear conscience that you didn’t intentionally hurt someone that day.  If you fail at something don’t take it so hard know it is just part of our lesson, try a different way or grow form it either way failing means you tried.  If you are using or drinking please get yourself some help to change your life for yourself and your loved ones, the miracles are waiting for you if you just reach for them.  Don’t be so busy that you don’t pay attention to the people in your life, they need you.  Love with all your heart do good be kind above all giving is living.  Much Love and blessings to you and your families, make 2018 a phenomenal year!  My family will be remembering the man we all miss dearly but who is with us in spirit always!


 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WISHING YOU PEACE & SERENITY ALWAYS………..HARMONY

 

WHY DO WE JUDGE OTHERS?

It is so easy to look at someone and place a judgment isn’t it?  We truly never know what others have or are going through.  When others have judged you based on gossip and the opinions of another person without speaking to you directly, that is a character defect on their part.  It is true what they say, “If someone is trashing another person to you, I guarantee they are talking the same about you when you aren’t around”.   I have learned that there is a BIG difference in talking shit about a person and talking about a shitty person!  We all talk about people but it isn’t always done with ill intent.  We talk about family, friends, even strangers.  Talking about real things that have happened is not the same thing as gossip, (at least not to me) to me gossip is taking pieces of the truth and twisting it into some bullshit story or sharing something about someone that is personal that they shared with you and you start to tell anyone who will listen.  You know how it goes, you tell one person something like “I went to the doctor and found out I am pre-diabetic”.  After sharing it with a room full of different people it comes back as “Oh my God she is dying she doesn’t have long to live”.  Weird example, but I mean you can see the drama put into it and the spin people add to it.

Me myself, I have been falsely accused of things.  The problem I have is not one single person has ever taken the time to reach out to me or my husband and asked us questions or questioned whatever they have heard.  Both my husband and I have just been convicted of whatever this made up crap is and that is the way it is.  Then more people jump on this band wagon and project even more lies and before you know it everyone dislikes you and it’s literally all based on what……..nothing but LIES and preconceived notions & prejudgment about things they know nothing about!  Let me tell you what that does to someone.  It causes a lot of heartache and pain.  It causes a sadness because you wanted so much to be part of a bigger family or friendship and you don’t have a chance, you never did because people have caused defamation of character and the people close to them they just believe what they hear and destroy any chance of a relationship. 

In that toxic situation you choose you, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away from it because you can’t change it.  Sometimes there is so much damage that it is unrepairable.  You can forgive for yourself and let it go so it doesn’t consume you.  As my Dad used to say “Fuck people if they don’t want to be part of your life, their loss”  Amen Poppa so true!  It’s like you have no chance to make an impression because without even speaking a word to you someone thinks they know what you are all about.  Then there are people that play the poor me game so well.  Yet they are so completely devious you have no idea until you do something to set them off and then you see the other face they were hiding and how hypocritical they really are.  I have known both sides of a situation and have seen this in action for myself.  It really is very sad the damage it causes to so many.  Some go so far as to take their own lives because this is a type of bullying and they can’t take the pain of it and there is no way out to prove yourself.  Shame on those of you that cause that type of harm to another soul.

If I tell you something about someone or a situation it is because I have seen it for myself and I may be trying to protect someone.  I don’t just talk about people to others, I keep that to myself and my husband.  I have no reason to lie and make up things about another person.  It does nothing for me.  When I go to bed at night I want to do it with a clear conscience knowing I wasn’t out robbing or lying to people or spreading damaging rumors about another person.  I live my life with honesty, & integrity.  I have empathy & compassion for others.  If I see or hear for myself how someone is dishonest and intentionally cruel.  If I see people living selfishly and self-entitled.  If you cause me, my family, or friends harm in anyway I am done!  I have no time for that type of destruction in my life nor do I want any part of it. 

Some believe that their job title, the house they live in, the car they drive, or the family they come from Entitles them to a certain privilege.  Not in my book.  You may be very wealthy and powerful and have the most lavish things life has to offer but underneath it all you are still a human being like everyone else.  We talk about people everyday but it isn’t met with ill intent.  We talk to friends about other friends and family about things that have happened or how we feel about something.  That is totally different.  What I am talking about is when you dislike someone and say terrible things about them so others will dislike them too, you are intentionally causing harm to another human being.  When someone is trying to share something with you and you don’t hear them or project your own thoughts or feelings into it you are discounting another human being.  When you share idle gossip heard from another person and not directly knowing or seeing for yourself, you are harming another human being!  Just STOP IT!

I could go on and on about the different situations and examples but here is what I believe.  Keep your side of the road clean.  If you don’t see it or hear it for yourself it’s just gossip.  Even if you see or hear something for yourself not everyone wants the personal parts of their life spread around like wildfire for others to judge.  Bottom line is if you aren’t willing to talk to someone yourself and make your own judgment call to find out what the truth really may be then keep your mouth shut and mind your own business!  None of us are perfect but I keep to myself for a reason.  Although my husband and I have been the subject to a lot of ill intended gossip that has hurt us and our relationships with several people it will never break us.  We are too strong and have no time for that type of petty bullshit.  We don’t take people at their word about another person, we check it out ourselves and form our own opinions and conclusions. 

If more people did this there would be less drama in this world.  Friendships and family relationships wouldn’t be harmed the way they have been, but to me it just weeds out the ones I want nothing to do with because I don’t want that in my life.  I try to help others, I help animals, I speak honestly and sometimes too brutally, but I don’t lie, steal, cheat, I have no reason too.  I am who I am, like me, love me, hate me, your choice, but being a good person trying to make a difference in the world.  Cherishing my family and friends that are real, honest, supportive, those are the people I want in my life.  Whether there is 1 or 100 I will take it over a million phony fake evil people any day!   Remember what you judge may one day be the situation you find yourself in!  Be kind and be the change you wish to see in this world!

Wishing you peace & Serenity………Harmony

 

 

Infidelity, Alcoholism, Recovery, understanding what happens!

Sometimes we go through things in our life and we feel as though we are the only one who must feel the way we do.  I like to research and read articles and blogs that others have written about whatever topic I want to know more about.  Something I have heard a lot about recently and have read about are the lingering affects of infidelity.  To throw a curve ball in there, let’s talk about alcoholism and infidelity.  Is it different than someone without an addiction problem?  I cannot answer that because I really don’t have an answer.  I am the wife of a recovering alcoholic and have dealt with infidelity so I can talk about what happens years later.

From everything I have read, I have normal reactions like others do.  At times you can feel crazy and be really hard on yourself.  I have come to understand that no matter what I am feeling, the emotions are real for me for whatever reason and it is up to me to explore why, because when I do that I get to grow and learn about what is really going on.  Sometimes all these years later there are things that trigger me about the infidelity and I find when I ignore it the emotions intensify.  It doesn’t happen very often but when it does it can be strong and I have to talk about it.  Other wise it eats away at my soul.  That isn’t always accepted openly by my husband which makes this part so much harder to heal from.  I understand completely that it isn’t something that the person who betrayed wants to talk about because it is also something that they have worked through and healed from.  However, I do believe it is different because here is the tough part to write about, this is what it does to someone, or a least what it did to me and how I felt when I found out………..

I heard the term once used “emotional murder” and that is really a good way to describe an infidelity because isn’t that what has happened?  Many people have no idea that anything is wrong in their relationships.  They go along believing that everything is fine or they question the other spouse because they may instinctually feel something isn’t right only to be told “everything is fine” or they are crazy!  That happened with me.  Then one day they are hit with this painful reality that they never saw coming and the worst part is they have no idea why it has happened.  In the beginning it knocks the life out of you, it brought me to my knees gasping for air because you are crying so deeply from a place you never knew existed. You never wanted it to be real so you go into denial.  I read in an article that it is just like loosing someone you love, it is that painful.  I know you go through your racing mind thinking so many questions you need answered but don’t want answered.  You go through so many emotions, your numb, angry, sad, depressed, suicidal, you loose weight, you scream, cry, it is hard to function and form thoughts, it takes all you have to get out of bed every day.

I didn’t know then what it felt like to loose someone but I have since lost someone very close to me who I love so much and I can tell you it absolutely is that painful.  Really if you look at it, didn’t a part of you die in that moment when you found out about your spouses infidelity?  You need details and it makes you physically sick but it is all normal and part of the healing.  You may have nightmares about it and just have these images running through your mind.  It will take everything you have at first to keep your feet on the ground.  I am telling you all this as dark as it sounds because I want you to know everything you feel, whether you are a man or a woman is absolutely NORMAL and it is how you heal.  No matter what you decide to do, to work things out with your spouse or leave you will SLOWLY begin to feel better.  For me it was like someone ripped out my heart, stabbed me a number of times stuck it back in my body burnt these images in my mind and left me to think about it day in and day out.  I did think about taking a handful of pills because it was so painful, it felt too painful to bare.  I didn’t want to really die though, I didn’t want to stop living, I wanted the pain to stop and I needed to know why my husband didn’t love me enough to not do this to me.  I needed to know the question that constantly went through my mind.  “Why wasn’t I enough”?  I stood by him through years and years of drinking and abusive behaviors only to be slapped in the face with this when he got sober………..my thoughts were “What the Fuck”, how could this happen in sobriety?

I can tell you this, when someone decides to get sober it isn’t about just putting down the bottle, pill, powder, syringe, whatever the drug of choice is, it is about cleaning out your emotional house from the inside out.  All you have to change is everything.  When someone you love and are spending your life with goes outside your marriage with another person on a physical or emotional level you have destroyed your wedding vows.  You have killed the life you shared.  For those that have been unfaithful if you still don’t get what happens to another person let me be clear, part of us has died!  We can and do recover but I am here to share some of the things I have learned over the past 5 years that have been helpful and what is damaging.

You must be 100% completely open to questions, talks, keeping electronics open as to not hide anything from your spouse. If you are rebuilding your marriage, it must be this way for the rest of your life!  Not just in the now.  I really want to drive this point to those who have betrayed their spouses……….we do NOT bring anything up to shame you, punish you, hurt you, embarrass you.  We are simply trying to reach out to you when we are triggered and something has set us off and the best way for you to deal with this is openness, compassion, empathy, and love.  Know that this is most uncomfortable and painful for us and if we could never ever think about it again we would do it, but we don’t control our emotions or what triggers us.  What we look for even years later in those moments is reassurance, safety, kindness, but most of all an understanding from our perspective, for our emotions.

We all have an imagination, put yourself in your spouses shoes look at the pain in their eyes in that moment and feel what they feel.  Love them through it.  No matter how hard it is for you take yourself out of it and know these are the consequences from your actions.  Put your spouse before yourself.  Don’t be nasty or cruel, they aren’t trying to hurt you by sharing something so upsetting they are looking for assurance and to hear from you that it isn’t the way we feel, that we are Ok, that these feelings are normal from time to time and that you are there for us.  You really have no right to get angry or be mean in anyway because you are suppose to protect your spouse.  No one is crucifying you, we need to continue to heal and in that moment we are reaching for you, looking to you to be there for us because we need that assurance.  Sometimes it can feel as those it is happening again and it brings up all those feelings.  I can tell you this with absolute certainty.

When you handle these moments with love and understanding from another’s perspective you create a deeper bond and a deeper trust that we have in you knowing and reiterating that what we have known all along, we really are safe, we can trust you, we just had a moment where the devil plays with your mind.  These feelings do pass, but it passes much easier with love rather than hate.  The same goes the other way too though.  IF you are cruel, call names, are not open, think of only yourself and don’t comfort your spouse and find some understanding in how they are feeling then shame on you!  You help create that pain to linger and you have showed us that we can’t trust you to care for us.  If you are in recovery then you absolutely know better!  There are so many tools for you to use to be that person that you need to be for your spouse in that hard moment for them.  Don’t let them go through it alone!  When you do that all you show is that you can’t be trusted and you really aren’t there for your spouse.  Making amends is part of recovery as well as the words “Don’t cause harm to another person” should be remembered more times than not.

I don’t know if being a recovering alcoholic/addict even matters as far as behavior goes.  Like if someone with an addiction acts differently than someone who doesn’t, but that is neither here nor there to me.  What I do know though is if you are in recovery and you are behaving in the same ways you were when you were drinking or using then you are clearly not embracing your recovery program and you aren’t working it in the way you are suppose too and you know that.  That isn’t a judgment it is a fact!  I can tell you that I see when my husband isn’t living in recovery because of his behaviors in the way he reacts to certain things.  If you go back to a time when you were able to talk openly and be that person that you spouse needs and you were working your recovery faithfully then you will be able to see where you are falling short IF you are honest with yourself.  I know people can feel it too.  The way YOU behave is NOT someone else’s fault.  We are all responsible for ourselves and how we CHOOSE to react to things happening around us.  Here is an analogy……..If you claim to be an actively religious person serving God and others and I see you driving like a maniac and flipping people off, well your kind of missing the point there.  See where I am going with this?  There are people that can be in recovery and actively go to meetings but are not actively practicing living a recovered life.  You can’t expect your life to be different if you are behaving in the same ways no matter how much sobriety you have.

I love my husband dearly.  He is the most important person in my life.  I have been committed and devoted to our relationship from day one 17 1/2 years ago.  That doesn’t mean I don’t make mistakes or say things that may be hurtful.   The difference is I don’t set out to intentionally say things or do things that I know will cause pain.  When you do things purposefully that cause pain for another person that is called being malicious, you are conscience of what you are doing yet continue to do it anyway.  The way to change things around is to think of your self LESS, that is called humility.  It is OK to put another’s feelings above your own especially when you know they are hurting a great deal and you have had a part in it.  You can heal and rebuild your marriage after infidelity.  It takes a lot of time and patience and commitment of openness between you both.  Know that it is also normal to have triggers years later and you will react emotionally to them and that is OK, continue to be open with one another, because if that stops you cause more damage.

We are human, it is a deep wound that we have forgiven but it still flares up sometimes, that is all normal.  It is easy for people to walk away from things but it takes strong people who are dedicated to making it better to stay.  The grass is only green where you care for it and there are different stages of your marriage.  Talk about everything openly and be able to receive whatever the other person talks about, sex, money, family, Etc.  The only way we grow together is respecting we are different and what one has no emotions too the other may feel deeply about.  Embrace your differences and try to understand, at least make an effort to want to understand.  This person is the person you want to spend forever with, why hurt them?  Why criticize them?  Cherish them, love them, love all they bring to your life.  Be the person you want your spouse to be for you.  Fall in love often, surprise them, do nice things for one another.  It isn’t about keeping score.  If one person initiates love making all that should matter is the intimacy itself.  I understand the need to feel wanted but we all go through different stages in life of low and high libidos and changes of life.  Open communication helps you feel closer.  A husband and wife should be able to talk about anything and everything hard and easy.

It is always a good time to do the right thing.  It is best to always be honest.  When you are kind and compassionate especially to our loved ones it gives us an opportunity to form a deeper bond with them and regain trust we have lost in behaving badly.  There is never a time or an excuse for being cruel to another human being and if you are behaving that way to your own spouse that is definitely not something to be proud of and you need to make right, right now!  I have learned that at anytime when we least expect it we can loose those we love.  To never have an opportunity to make things right or say those words you wanted to but didn’t thinking you’ll have another chance, don’t wait you may not get that chance.  If we can all remember to stop before we speak.  Think about what we are about to say before we say them.  If you look in the mirror and say “you fucking asshole, you are so fucked up” and you actually see yourself talking that way to yourself think about how that makes someone you love feel.  None of us are perfect but we can all do better, we can all be better.  We must be more open, and compassionate because this life we live and those who love us are a gift, but God will need them back one day remember that and live life being kind and loving!

Wishing you Peace & Serenity,  Harmony

 

How Do Other People See You When You Have An Addiction Problem But You Are In Complete Denial About It?

This is an interesting topic because I know my husband was in denial and would blame everyone else me, his family, a stranger, the dog across the street….(LOL) You get what I’m saying!  However, at other times he would sit down with me when he would hit what I thought was his bottom, (but it was just a bad drinking day).  He would admit to me that he is an alcoholic and say he needs to stop or that he needs help.  However, that is short lived because when he felt good enough again he was right back to drinking, right back to the denial of “I don’t have a problem, you’re the problem just let me drink”.  You cannot reason with addiction because their is no truth in it.  It is living in an altered reality of what the drugs and alcohol create for you.  When you see the world through beer goggles it isn’t the way we see it.

Sadly I believe this is how we loose so many people.  To me addiction is like the devil whispering in your ear telling you how sweet this is, and no matter what loved ones say it doesn’t usually penetrate that evil because the addiction has consumed not only their body but also their mind, heart and soul.  My husband has been sober for almost 5 years now and we have heard of many people passing.  We have been to many celebrations of life and it never gets easier to see the broken families, the heartache and pain of not understanding, Why?    There is NOTHING good that comes from addiction as far as I am concerned.  It takes a person who was once kind, innocent, and loving and turns them into a self destructive monster who ruins many lives.  I have been part of that collateral damage and let me tell you, it’s no picnic it is devastating!

When my husband was drinking and we would go out, he would consume mass amounts of alcohol and make a total ass out of himself and I was just along for the humiliating ride.  I have had people ask me if he has a drinking problem and in the beginning I would make excuses not understanding exactly what I had gotten myself into saying “Oh it’s the weekend he’s just having fun”.  When he would become rude or fall all over or embarrass me people would look at me with disgust at times, but mostly I got pity looks like they felt sorry for me.  They would just shake their heads and walk away, it was super fun (I say totally sarcastically).  There wasn’t an event we didn’t go to where I wouldn’t cringe at the thought of because he would start drinking at home or he would fill up a back pack and then when that ran out buy more alcohol where ever we were.  It is a very expensive bad, bad habit.

One time a good friend of ours went with us to see KIZZ in concert.  She and my husband are both alcoholics.  They came up with this plan to sneak in their booze because drinks at those events are so expensive so they would buy one and fill their cups with the Rum and coke they put in a giant Ziploc bag that my husband hid in his pants……..Yes folks alcohol smuggled in your pants is where this disease can take you and they have absolutely no shame, and she just had surgery 7 days earlier so I had to wheel her in a wheelchair.  They were hammered by the end of the night, it sucked! 

I can tell you after years and years of disappointment and heartache for not only myself but for our kids, our family, even for my husband I saw him as a disappointment.  This is what I would see.  My husband, the man who was in love with me, and paid so much attention to me and made me feel so special sharing life with me was gone.  He was a shell of his former self.  As the years went by and the alcohol starts to take a toll it doesn’t come without health concerns.  He was unreliable, lazy, cruel, selfish, (SO SELFISH), judgmental, verbally abusive, not accountable or responsible for ANYTHING, egotistical, careless, wreck less, he abandoned our family, he was a liar, a cheater, and a thief, and I could go on. 

You basically become addictions puppet and what it tells you to do you do!  Recovery is the only way to change these things.  You simply cannot put down the bottle, needle, pills, powder, you have to clean yourself emotionally from the inside out if you even want a shot at changing your life.  Without addiction controlling your life, the world has endless possibilities for you!  My husband went from being a total monster to a decent person in society who is now reliable, caring, works hard, kind, responsible, ETC,  my husband may always be an alcoholic but today and for the past 1,700 and some odd days he is a recovering alcoholic and he has chosen to live a new life outside of the bottle.  He has his family back, our marriage has been renewed, he has mended many family relationships with our children and others.  His addiction is no longer an addiction that controls him, but the desire to thrive in life as a whole person, not just one that lives drunk in the shell of a body and merely exists.  He is a part of life and gets to remember things and enjoy things.  Life isn’t perfect but he tackles every thing life throws our way sober, without addiction as a tool.  Really, all the alcohol was doing was telling him a lie, it was killing him!  Now he can see that being on the other side and he has no desire to go back.  I am so proud of him everyday that he found the strength within himself and others to beat his disease.  Everyday he knows it is right there wanting to pounce on him and take him back but my husband’s will is much stronger than to allow it to ever ruin his life again. 

Today we are all grateful for his recovery, we live everyday trying to give back and be better than we were the day before.  He knows he has to stay on top of his recovery to be the best version of himself and to continue to be the man he wants to be, because he knows he never wants to be the person he used to be ever again.  As his wife, his recovery has been such a blessing because we were given the opportunity to rebuild our life together and today we are solid and unbreakable.  I know alcohol will never be a part of our lives again, but the memory is always there to remind us of what can happen!

Wishing you Peace & Serenity………….Hamrony