The answer to that question is because to the alcoholic it is NEVER their fault! They always put the blame and throw the other person under the bus. They don’t consider the consequences for that person because they are only thinking about themselves. Alcoholics are known for being destructive liars, thieves, cheaters, selfish egotistical asses. Yes, I said it! I am the wife of a now recovering alcoholic but I lived in the middle of my husbands drinking for 13 1/2 years and it truly was a living hell! The question I seem to get asked the most is “Why/How did you stay”? Fair question, because at least in my case and probably so many others the alcoholism doesn’t rear it’s ugly head entirely until you are involved in your life with your alcoholic. Did I know he drank? Yes I did. Was he drunk all the time? No, absolutely NOT! They can be very charming but they are also very good master manipulators. Everyone has issues in their relationships, it isn’t so easy to just leave the person you are in Love with, have kids with, have a life with.
It is so easy to judge someone when you are on the outside looking in. To other people my husband was a hard worker, calm demeanor, very polite man. People only allow you to see what they want you to see and an alcoholic has many faces. What you don’t see behind closed doors is the physical abuse, the horrible emotional abuse, the nasty name calling, beating someone down so bad emotionally they feel as though they are a worthless piece of shit and somehow it really must be their fault that YOU can’t seem to kick the habit of your addiction! The anger from the alcoholic can become so bad that they throw things, punch holes in the wall, and break things in a fit of rage, which usually will send the non-alcoholic spouse hiding in fear as they are not knowing what will happen next. It is not easy to love an alcoholic. It is a very heart breaking journey to take and it does forever change you. It affects everyone involved deeply.
The worst part are the lies told to family and no matter how much the non-alcoholic tries to defend themselves or speak the truth you have already been thrown under the bus. You have suffered years of people turning their backs on you, and talking terrible about you because they have believed that all along everything is somehow your fault. I have been there, it damages and destroys relationships for life. Some you can save if you work on it together and other’s, no matter what, will always believe that you are the fucking devil and somehow you caused all the problems. They don’t want to hear anything else. It is terribly painful and sad when all you want is to be loved and accepted by your family. Sometimes though in spite of your best efforts you will have to walk away from those toxic people who are not willing to hear anything you have to say. Some things just cannot be repaired.
All you can really do for yourself is to take care of you and do what is best for yourself. You can never change an alcoholic, no amount of crying, screaming, begging, threatening will stop them from drinking if they are not ready to stop themselves. It is a horrible thing to watch the person you love, no matter who it may be kill themselves with each drop of alcohol they ingest. It is your choice to stay or to go and for me I stayed and fought my way through. My husband and I are not the norm of what happens though. A lot of people think that once the person gets sober everything will be just fine…….I am telling you that couldn’t be further from the truth. Most people don’t make it out the other side together, some times things get much worse in the beginning of sobriety. The relationships I thought may have a chance to be healed once my husband talked to everyone and explained how much of a liar he was and how he put the focus and blame on me to take it off of himself. It didn’t matter the damage was already done, the hate towards me already set in. All I could do for myself is to forgive and move forward without those type of people in our lives.
Being the wife of an alcoholic is not easy. I will always be the wife of an alcoholic even though he is sober, he will always carry that demon with him in his mind waiting to pounce on his weakness and lead him to the bottle once again. That is a relapse. I pray that never happens for him/us. We have watched people relapse and it is not easy to see. We have known people who have died from this horrible disease. My husband has almost 5 1/2 years sobriety now, it hasn’t come without it’s challenges but he has been blessed that he hasn’t wanted a drink and hasn’t even been tempted. We have a whole new life and work hard at it. Our love survived and made it through and we were able to rebuild our marriage and create a whole new amazingly wonderful life for ourselves. Life always happens though. We have lost very loved dear people to us. We will have disagreements. Finances can be a challenge, Etc. as long as he has the tools and uses them and doesn’t allow himself to go back to that dark place where he was essentially a prisoner of his own mind then he will be OK.
We are all human. We make mistakes, some far worse than others. Life can be hard, happy, sad, joyful, rewarding, disappointing. We have to do the best we can for ourselves and for our family. We can forgive some terrible things and go on and still love and be loveable. It is important to learn the lessons along the way on your journey. If we don’t communicate then we are voiceless in our own lives and the lives of others. Learn to be self-less, think of others, do for others, help others. You have a choice to make in your life…….to allow the addiction control you or you control the addiction. There is help everywhere, you just have to be strong enough for one moment to say “I NEED HELP” there will be hands reaching and arms to catch you when you fall. Trust the process and believe that we all deserve to have miracles happen in our lives. When you live right and do right and cause no harm to others or yourself, that is when the miracles happen. Always be grateful for what you have in every moment because until you are there is never any room for more, and at any moment it can all be taken away from you. As long as you strive to be better than you were the day before and be the best version of yourself that you can be and don’t cause harm to others, that is all any of us can hope to do. Maybe just maybe with more kindness, humanity actually has a chance of changing the world.
Wishing you peace & Serenity, Harmony