This is an interesting topic because I know my husband was in denial and would blame everyone else me, his family, a stranger, the dog across the street….(LOL) You get what I’m saying! However, at other times he would sit down with me when he would hit what I thought was his bottom, (but it was just a bad drinking day). He would admit to me that he is an alcoholic and say he needs to stop or that he needs help. However, that is short lived because when he felt good enough again he was right back to drinking, right back to the denial of “I don’t have a problem, you’re the problem just let me drink”. You cannot reason with addiction because their is no truth in it. It is living in an altered reality of what the drugs and alcohol create for you. When you see the world through beer goggles it isn’t the way we see it.
Sadly I believe this is how we loose so many people. To me addiction is like the devil whispering in your ear telling you how sweet this is, and no matter what loved ones say it doesn’t usually penetrate that evil because the addiction has consumed not only their body but also their mind, heart and soul. My husband has been sober for almost 5 years now and we have heard of many people passing. We have been to many celebrations of life and it never gets easier to see the broken families, the heartache and pain of not understanding, Why? There is NOTHING good that comes from addiction as far as I am concerned. It takes a person who was once kind, innocent, and loving and turns them into a self destructive monster who ruins many lives. I have been part of that collateral damage and let me tell you, it’s no picnic it is devastating!
When my husband was drinking and we would go out, he would consume mass amounts of alcohol and make a total ass out of himself and I was just along for the humiliating ride. I have had people ask me if he has a drinking problem and in the beginning I would make excuses not understanding exactly what I had gotten myself into saying “Oh it’s the weekend he’s just having fun”. When he would become rude or fall all over or embarrass me people would look at me with disgust at times, but mostly I got pity looks like they felt sorry for me. They would just shake their heads and walk away, it was super fun (I say totally sarcastically). There wasn’t an event we didn’t go to where I wouldn’t cringe at the thought of because he would start drinking at home or he would fill up a back pack and then when that ran out buy more alcohol where ever we were. It is a very expensive bad, bad habit.
One time a good friend of ours went with us to see KIZZ in concert. She and my husband are both alcoholics. They came up with this plan to sneak in their booze because drinks at those events are so expensive so they would buy one and fill their cups with the Rum and coke they put in a giant Ziploc bag that my husband hid in his pants……..Yes folks alcohol smuggled in your pants is where this disease can take you and they have absolutely no shame, and she just had surgery 7 days earlier so I had to wheel her in a wheelchair. They were hammered by the end of the night, it sucked!
I can tell you after years and years of disappointment and heartache for not only myself but for our kids, our family, even for my husband I saw him as a disappointment. This is what I would see. My husband, the man who was in love with me, and paid so much attention to me and made me feel so special sharing life with me was gone. He was a shell of his former self. As the years went by and the alcohol starts to take a toll it doesn’t come without health concerns. He was unreliable, lazy, cruel, selfish, (SO SELFISH), judgmental, verbally abusive, not accountable or responsible for ANYTHING, egotistical, careless, wreck less, he abandoned our family, he was a liar, a cheater, and a thief, and I could go on.
You basically become addictions puppet and what it tells you to do you do! Recovery is the only way to change these things. You simply cannot put down the bottle, needle, pills, powder, you have to clean yourself emotionally from the inside out if you even want a shot at changing your life. Without addiction controlling your life, the world has endless possibilities for you! My husband went from being a total monster to a decent person in society who is now reliable, caring, works hard, kind, responsible, ETC, my husband may always be an alcoholic but today and for the past 1,700 and some odd days he is a recovering alcoholic and he has chosen to live a new life outside of the bottle. He has his family back, our marriage has been renewed, he has mended many family relationships with our children and others. His addiction is no longer an addiction that controls him, but the desire to thrive in life as a whole person, not just one that lives drunk in the shell of a body and merely exists. He is a part of life and gets to remember things and enjoy things. Life isn’t perfect but he tackles every thing life throws our way sober, without addiction as a tool. Really, all the alcohol was doing was telling him a lie, it was killing him! Now he can see that being on the other side and he has no desire to go back. I am so proud of him everyday that he found the strength within himself and others to beat his disease. Everyday he knows it is right there wanting to pounce on him and take him back but my husband’s will is much stronger than to allow it to ever ruin his life again.
Today we are all grateful for his recovery, we live everyday trying to give back and be better than we were the day before. He knows he has to stay on top of his recovery to be the best version of himself and to continue to be the man he wants to be, because he knows he never wants to be the person he used to be ever again. As his wife, his recovery has been such a blessing because we were given the opportunity to rebuild our life together and today we are solid and unbreakable. I know alcohol will never be a part of our lives again, but the memory is always there to remind us of what can happen!
Wishing you Peace & Serenity………….Hamrony