This quote is very powerful to me. Forgiving people doesn’t mean it will erase the pain and memory of what happened (although that would be nice) but it does allow us to work through it to heal and create a different outcome, rather than holding onto the resentment and anger of what was. We have all been through heartache. I had a very hard time getting over a lot of things from my past. I know some of these memories run much deeper and are more painful than others. Like forgiving my husband for being unfaithful, that is a memory that still to this day can trigger me and cause insecure feelings. That doesn’t mean I haven’t forgiven him, it is a painful memory that I can’t delete and one that I got to learn and grow from. Until I surrendered and handed all my pain over to the Universe, God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, nothing changed for me, I was stuck in my own pain, my own emotional prison. Once I made the choice the relief was literally instant, it was one of the most amazing miracles I have ever felt in my life! Forgiveness for something that I would never be able to control or totally understand meant that surrendering was the only healthy option I saw that gave my husband and I the second chance to rebuild our marriage and create a whole new life for ourselves. Which also allowed me to heal from.
People hurt us everyday, both intentionally and unintentionally. People judge you when they don’t even know you, they listen to lies and gossip rather than talk to the person in question, and have actual conversation and then decide for themselves. I have found that if I can’t work through and somehow give forgiveness for myself, or if I can’t give it to someone else then I get stuck. Stuck in my head and my emotions that constantly spin out of control. The pain repeats itself over and over and over and over…….(you see where I am going with this) it doesn’t change what happened, you just keep reliving it until you can accept it and move forward. I really don’t like the saying “Let it go” sometimes there are things we can’t seem to let go, no matter how hard we try, so I choose to say “Move forward” instead. See, the memory may still be with me but I have been able to take steps forward to heal from whatever hurt me in the first place.
I learned a long time ago that if we don’t work through something whether with the person who hurt you, with yourself, or a therapist, you MUST communicate about it. I have family members right now in the middle of a really painful situation that happened years ago. It wasn’t talked about it was swept under the carpet only to rear it’s ugly head years later, and it is back with a vengeance! There is a lot more damage this time and relationships are forever changed because of it. I am not saying that you can heal everything with people because that doesn’t always happen. Some things are beyond repair and you have to learn to walk away or love them from a distance. Some people won’t do anything to get healthy emotionally and won’t do anything to try and heal or move forward, they stay stuck for years and this is how they live. That is the saddest thing I have seen, someone in pain everyday for life because they refuse to talk or get help. No matter what though, for yourself, you have to find a way to work through your feeling’s and emotions. Otherwise it consumes you and causes you to be sick.
Talk to whoever you trust, work through it with them. When you write out your feelings sometimes you don’t realize just how angry, or hurt you are, but when you write things out or talk them out you will also discover your part in it, things you have been unable to see………Yes, I said YOUR PART! Look, it is so easy to blame other people who obviously do things that hurt us but we have a part in it. Not meaning what they did is your fault, but maybe how you handled it, things you said, did or didn’t do. When you are willing to see something with eyes wide open and you are honest with yourself you will be able to say “I shouldn’t have said or done that”, again it doesn’t mean it is your fault. We are all responsible for our own behaviors. Nobody MAKES you hit them, nobody MAKES you call them names, nobody MAKES you sabotage someone’s character. Meaning you have a choice in the moment as to how YOU will react. My husband when he was actively drinking use to always say “this is your fault, if you didn’t make me so mad I wouldn’t have drank so much and called you those nasty names and busted up things in the house” He had a CHOICE and he chose to blame me, so he wouldn’t be held accountable for his own actions which is typical with addictions. Words once spoken can’t ever be taken back, no matter how sorry you are, the way they can pierce one’s soul, the damage is done.
So, when you are in an argument or before you jump to say hurtful things back to someone remember; we are all responsible for ourselves. We are accountable for the way we behave and the things we say. There is no excuse, period! It is easy to loose your cool when you are at odds with someone, especially if they are attacking you, but it is only temporary, don’t say something permanent that you will more than likely regret and not be able to take back. If we can all remember that even in heated discussions or disagreements we can still be respectful of one another. If you are open enough to actually listen to the other person without just waiting to respond you may be able to understand where they are coming from. Compassion and empathy are very helpful tools. As much as we love people, whether it be family, friend, or a partner. Sometimes they are only meant to be in our lives to teach us a lesson. Sometimes they are there to help you through a hard time. Some stay forever. Some are just acquaintances and others are your person, your best friend. I have had “friends” walk out of my life after 30 some odd years of friendship. I can’t tell you it didn’t hurt because it did. I can’t tell you I understand why people leave your life with no explanation that you thought you could trust, but they do. I have learned to be grateful for the times they were there for me and for the lessons I learned by what they did. Grateful that sometimes the Universe cleans out the toxic people in your life for you because we will never do it ourselves. We all want to be loved, accepted, adored, and not judged, but not everyone will, that is when we have to just move forward, one step at a time, one day at a time, and trust that life is putting us exactly where we need to be and we don’t always understand why, but trust the journey!
Wishing you Peace & Serenity, Harmony
Married Under the Influence 