WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE???

Someone recently asked me what advice I could give to others in the same situation or thinking of getting into this type of situation.  I can only speak as the wife of an alcoholic and I can only share from my own experiences.  I have come to find that there are commonalities in every person who has an addiction problem no matter what the substance is.   Which outside of alcohol and drugs can also be food, shopping, gambling, and so many other things.  I can’t tell someone whether they should stay or go.  We all think and feel differently.  I can share some things that I learned along the way…………as the photo quote above states “I still loved him through it all”.  Not everyone will make it out together!

Alcoholics can have all or some of these behaviors, manipulation, lie, play the victim, blame, twist words, be emotionally and or physically abusive, leave for days at a time, loose a lot of money, infidelity, SELFISHNESS like I have never seen, broken promises, secrets, steal, and there are so many more; but you get the point.  It is so hard to separate the “alcoholism” from the person.  Addiction is just pure evil!  People try to escape their pain by numbing it and pretending it doesn’t exist but it follows you wherever you go, and until you confront and resolve it in some way there isn’t a drink or drug in the world that will make it go away!  Alcoholism isn’t a choice, it is a sickness of the mind!  It isn’t an easy life loving an alcoholic.  I can tell you that no amount of begging, yelling, or crying will change the alcoholic.  Until they are ready to seek help for themselves and admit they have a problem there isn’t anyone or anything that can get them to stop drinking.  It is a very heartbreaking life to watch someone you love slowly kill themselves and destroy their innocent families.

So many nights you spend alone.  You become their caretaker, you are responsible for everything.  You are a two parent home yet only one of you actively participates in raising the children.  You keep secrets from other people about your life.  You make excuses for your alcoholic.  You lie for your alcoholic.  You live in shame due to their addictions.  Somehow with as often as they blame you for everything and even though you know it isn’t your fault, you start to believe that somehow it really is YOUR FAULT!  The whole family gets into this dysfunctional cycle and soon it’s like you are on a hamster wheel and the cycle repeats continuously with no way out and the entire family becomes so sick from one persons addiction.  I believe the spouses and families of alcoholics suffer so much worse than the alcoholic does, in different ways.  The spouses try to take the blunt of everything, they hide and protect the children and the rest of the family from their alcoholics behaviors.  The spouse allows the alcoholic to beat them up with their emotional abuse to save the children.  You try and make life “normal” for your family.  You become an enabler and you don’t even realize that is what you are doing, sometimes they even get the children to enable their behaviors too. The family becomes just as sick as they are!

You find yourself slipping away into what feels like a black lonely hole of HELL!  You feel your soul being crushed from the inside out.  You feel your heart breaking everyday because no matter what you try your alcoholic doesn’t see things the way you do, they don’t have the ability to see things the way they really are.  They see things through the eyes of the alcohol bottle, through a false sense of reality, to escape what is really happening due to their alcoholism.  Which is why when you try and paint them a picture of what it is like from your perspective they will blame you, they will tell you that you cause your own pain.  They will crush your sprit, they will emotionally cripple you and use that as an excuse to drink!  They will twist your words to suit them because an alcoholic will not take responsibility or accountability for anything bad, it will always be someone else’s fault…..and it is usually the one closest to them…….their spouse!

I know by now you are saying “why in the hell did she stay with such a monster”?  Because the truth is he isn’t a monster the “ISM” is.  The addiction takes over their body and mind, they become a shell of the person they used to be before the disease set in.  There is a person connected to the alcoholism, they are in a great deal of pain that they felt nothing in life could help cure until they got lost in the bottom of a bottle.  One drink felt good enough to make him relax so three could really help numb the pain and before you know it those few drinks turned into bottles of the harder stuff.  Sometimes they blackout and that is much better than dealing with what drove them to drink in the first place and the cycle quickly gets out of control because when they feel the pain they drink to stop it and before long they are drinking everyday throughout the day because their tolerance is building and one drink just isn’t enough anymore.  It is too painful to face reality so they become a victim to their own circumstance as does the family.  

 Know you can’t ever control an alcoholics behavior and until THEY hit their own personal bottom and THEY realize for themselves that THEY want to change and THEY want to live a different life and THEY choose to get into recovery nothing will change, it will get worse!  In your life together when they are actively drinking you will see them have moments of clarity and they will see themselves for a moment through your eyes and they will be apologetic for all the pain they caused you and the family and they will promise to stop and do better.  And they are better for a while, but it is always short lived because the hold the addiction has on them is far greater than their strength at this point.  Suddenly you have all the HOPE in the world.  You believe them and just know that THIS TIME it will be different, until it’s not.  I believe in those moments they are fighting the disease within themselves to get out of the prison they live in, in their own mind and that is how the alcoholism keeps them coming back.

One blog post just isn’t enough to share everything about this topic but I can tell you that it is not an easy life.  It has been my journey and I chose to stand by my husband through it all.  There were years of hell and serious heartache, a lot of damage.  Although he is now in recovery going on 5 years in October he has to stay on top of his recovery.  My husband will always be an alcoholic, but now he is a recovering one, but the disease is always within him waiting to come out and take over again.  As long as he stays present in his mind and uses the tools and the program to keep his life on the right track he will be OK, we will be OK.  We have rebuilt our marriage and we have to work on it everyday.  Life still goes on and bad shit happens all the time.   People we love die, you get behind on bills, loose jobs, family gets sick, the list can go on but I have learned that if you are not able to be grateful for what you have in your life at every moment then you are not eligible for anything more until you are!  Here is an example…….if you live in an older home and the area is less than ideal and your roof leaks but you don’t have the money to fix it just yet and all you can say is “I hate it here, I hate my house, I wish I had a nicer house” well you are missing a great life lesson my friends!  It’s called GRATITUDE!!

You see I learned a long time ago that you have to give more than you get.  You have to pay attention to your loved ones when they are hurting.  You have to find the positive in even the worst of situations (because I promise you it’s there).  If you are always being negative then that is what will come back to you.  We all do the best we can and other times we fall short of being the best version of ourselves.  If you choose to stand by your alcoholic just know it isn’t an easy journey and it’s a lifelong one at that, BUT sometimes even in the darkest moments if you close your eyes and listen with your heart and soul the answer will come to you.  Life isn’t always easy sometimes it straight up sucks, sometimes it is so painful you feel like you just can’t go on.  In those moments hang on tight don’t let go, don’t give up, there is always a better way, reach out for help!  There is always someone out there that needs you, that needs to hear your story, your voice.  Not everyone can and will be saved, lives are lost everyday to addiction, it is truly heartbreaking.  You may be the person who helps save another person, even a stranger.  You may never even know the affect you have on someone and how your presence in this world changed their life, but they will know.  You never know who is listening and why.

Know this…….no matter how long we are here on this earth we all have a divine purpose. I believe we all make a difference to someone.  Life is a gift, and for those that are struggling with addictions, my hope for you is that you find help.  That you change your life to become the best YOU that YOU were meant to be!   We can’t make someone with an addiction problem get help but we can be there when they reach out for help.  For those of you that chose to leave your alcoholic please know this……. you have nothing to feel guilty about.  You did nothing wrong, sometimes you have to save yourself because an alcoholic will take you down with them.  Please don’t take my words wrong.  I am not bashing alcoholics I am the wife of one, I am simply being honest about it, and my husband would tell you the same thing.  He supports everything I write because it is all true.  I am not going to paint a pretty picture when it can be an ugly one.  I am the friend that tells you that your outfit looks awful.  Sugar coating a lie doesn’t make it easier for someone because those lies eventually all come out at some point.  As hard as the truth may be to hear at times I would rather know than not know. 

Although recovery is a lifelong process for both the alcoholic, spouse, and family it is possible to rebuild.  It is possible to start fresh and heal.  I get to see and hear miracles everyday in meetings.  Not everything is rainbows and unicorns!  We are all human we struggle at times, an alcoholic can fall back into old behaviors without picking up a drink.  People sharing their stories and their everyday problems with others helps to create healing for all.  It helps us to stay in reality and not get caught up in all the bullshit life can throw at you.  Relapses can be part of an alcoholics story but they have recovered from it time and time again.  Not everyone gets it their first time around but wanting it to be different and to keep showing up to try is what makes all the difference in the world. Never loose HOPE and hold onto believing that one minute, one hour, one day clean, sober and most importantly in recovery is better than a lifetime using!!

Wishing you Peace and Serenity……….Harmony

MY “2016” YEAR IN REVIEW!!!

Here we are at the end of another year! It really is true, the older you get the faster time goes by.  I believe it is good for everyone to reflect upon their own lives because sometimes in the moment you can’t see things for what they really are, but when you look back sometimes you see things differently.  I don’t make resolutions anymore I believe all year through when you need to make changes that is when you should set goals. Otherwise there’s too much pressure and when we don’t complete them we feel worse.  I heard on the news yesterday that only 28% of people still do resolutions.  You do what is best for you!  Every year seems to be so busy for us, here are some of our high’s and low’s…………

Two of our rescue dogs began having some health issues this year.  One of them started having Grand Mal Seizures (vet thinks maybe epilepsy) but we don’t know for sure.  The other one just a month ago was diagnosed with Addison’s Disease and he was born with a birth defect in his front leg called “ELECTODACTYLY” nick named (Lobster Claw) because his paw looks like one.  Both of our boys are young and otherwise healthy dogs.  They have so much energy.  They love to run around, chase balls, play tug of war, and at the end of the day sleep on the bed with Mom & Dad.  They are the best of friends, it is adorable!  They both require daily medication and once a month one needs an injection.  It breaks my heart to watch him having a seizure, but I am glad that I have been here when it’s happened so I can comfort him.  We got this though, I know the boys will be OK. 🙂  Addison’s can be dangerous, so we watch him closely because they can have what is called an “Addison’s Crisis” which is what happened a month and a half ago when we found out what was wrong with him.

I have mentioned before that besides writing my other passion is animals.  We have cared for over 100 homeless Feral cats on our street for over 13 years now.  I happen to have a lot of extra canned cat food recently (I can’t use it very much it attracts too many predators like coyotes) I mainly use dry food for them.  Also in the donation were a few bags of dry dog food.  I put a message out on FaceBook for anyone in need of food for their pets. Below are a few of the photos from my husband and I distributing that food.  We were able to help about 10 families feed their pets.  This time of year especially is my most favorite time but when you give anytime of year you get so much more in return!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This summer we also took in and are fostering a neighbors Chihuahuas.  They would be the best pets for someone BUT their worst flaw……They pee on everything.  UGH! So frustrating, but they haven’t known anything else for 6 years so it isn’t their fault.  We have tried breaking them of the habit but no luck.  We hold onto the hope that one day some amazing person will adopt them and work with their issues and love them unconditionally! (Fingers Crossed) The man is slightly disabled but the bigger battle was fighting alcoholism, he became very sick from it.  He and the dogs were living in filth.  The dogs never went outside and were living in their own feces and urine.

While he was in the hospital/rehab my husband and I cleaned up his house and his sister gave us a budget to get him some new things so when he was ready to come home it would be clean & livable again. Interestingly enough she lives in Washington and we never met her until months later but through all of this we have a friend for life!  What a beautiful soul she is for all she did to help her brother.  We finally got to meet her for a quick lunch.  She was so grateful for the friends we have been to her brother and how we have helped him not only transform his home but for my husband to help sponsor him and help him on his journey into sobriety.  He has 6 months clean now and we are all very proud of the lifestyle changes he has made.  He never thought it was possible since he needed to drink every single day as you can see in the photo below.  Miracles happen everyday in recovery.

We felt pretty good about helping someone in need.  We knew in fostering the dogs that they might not find a home because of their bad habits, so we built a kenneled area outside next to the chickens and found them a nice insulated dog house.  During the cold winter months though we have a kennel in the house for them.  They seem so happy.  They got to feel sunshine on their little bodies for the first time, they felt fresh air blowing on their faces.  They get to talk to the chickens and run around on dirt and feel grass on their paws.  Something they have never had before.  We knew we were doing right by them. These are the “Chi’s” sporting their winter sweaters! 🙂 

My dad had a very rough year.  He had five surgeries, he was very sick a lot of this year.  November he has been living in long term care for 3 years now and he also hasn’t walked in 3 years either.  We don’t believe he will ever be able to walk again, but we remain hopeful.  It is very heart breaking for me to see him live in a hospital setting. 

While I am grateful there are places like this to take care of people like my father I am also saddened and disgusted by the fact that to live with some independence in an assisted living facility for someone like my father to have his own little room would cost between $6,000-$8,000 per month and of course there are more expensive places.  Medicaid and Medicare don’t cover assisted living in case you didn’t know that fun fact.  So unless you have a lot of money saved from a 401-K or someone who has the ability to care for you then this is it.   I love my Dad dearly, I have so much empathy and wish I could do so much more for him…..Maybe someday when I hit the lottery (Wink, Wink) or they turn our book into a movie then I can buy him that independence he needs so bad.  We just celebrated his 76th birthday! 🙂

My book won another Finalist award!  It is so exciting to enter these contests and wait to hear what happens.  I have another seal for my book which is really an honor for me.  I am just an average everyday woman who took a chance, and although it sells very little here and there all that matters is that I did it for me and my husband, and also hoping in sharing our own story that it may help others along the way too. 

We also added a few more chickens to our little flock and then one of our older girls decided she needed to have babies.  Although we discouraged it and tried to stop it she kept going broody so we finally said “let her have a few babies, OH it was so exciting for us to countdown to hatching day, so adorable to watch.  We only let her have three and of course one of those is a Rooster!  We have one of those already and he’s kind of a jerk!  Ya he still scares me…….just a little 🙂

Well the other Rooster is his son but so far he has a good temperament he hasn’t tried to attack me like his daddy but I keep an eye on him!  We also found a two day old chick with an almost severed leg in our ducks area, so I took her to the vet they made her a splint and I nursed her back to health and saved her.  We named her “Chicken Noodle” other than a few curled toes she recovered completely!  Then we had a neighbors chicken who kept flying into our yard no matter how much we put her back.  We decided to just let her stay.  Then there was a chicken just a few days ago on our street, a few of the feral cats were watching her.  I caught her so she’s also here with us now. 🙂

Our Daughter graduated from College this year.  Although my Dad was not very well during that time it is one thing he had prayed he would be here to see so it was a very special and emotional day for all of us.  Her Uncle came into town to see her and her Dad and I helped fly her other sister into town as a surprise. 

Some of her closer friends celebrated with us and one just had a baby a few weeks earlier.  This was the greatest thing that happened this year for our family!  Such a proud Mom moment!  She is an amazing young woman and I’m enjoying watching her journey unfold!

Every year it seems I learn how to continue to be the most giving loving person I can.  How to help others.  How to be compassionate and empathetic to others.  The lessons life continues to put in my path are blessings to live my best life.  It has removed people from my life by showing me who they really are.  Life has taught me it really is better to have just a few close people that you can trust in your life.  Let’s be honest, I have a lot of people that say “I am here for you” then when you need them to talk or meet or whatever the case may be they just don’t have the time for you.  True friendship and love is about time not existing…….meaning 2:00 AM is the same as noon when you have a person in need of your help.  At least that is how I see it. 

Other highlights are we celebrated our 3rd Grand babies 1st Birthday!  I helped my Aunt raise enough money so her beloved dog could have surgery to save her life.  My husband found a Siamese mix kitten in our yard this summer in some weeds and she was very sick, she almost died, we think she had heat stroke.  She survived and her adopter fell through so she made her home here with us (Of course)! We named her Mystique. 

I started getting more into writing my 2nd book that I have put off for too long because I have taken the personal attacks on me to heart and I let it prevent me from moving forward with my writing, but not anymore like it or not I am moving at a fast pace and nobody will stop me!

My husband & I celebrated his 4th year of sobriety!  It is so amazing to watch someone who couldn’t drink enough be able to not pick up a drink for 4 years and to have no desire too!  Sobriety doesn’t mean a perfect life because life still happens.  We still have our own problems sometimes.  It is hard for him to not fall back into acting the way he use too when confronted with something that makes him angry.  However as he said, he knows that he has the tools to react differently but sometimes he feels stuck.  So when you remember where you were, the person you use to be and who you never want to be again it lights a fire under your ass to change your thinking and dig into that recovery tool bag.  After all,  you didn’t come this far to go backwards.

As long as you are moving forward and not backwards then mistakes or not you are making great progress.  It isn’t easy for anyone to change alcoholism or not but I know that if you have your mind set and focused on being the best version of yourself and you continue to live a life making amends and being kind then you are in a better place than you once were.  My husband and I continue to go to AA meetings every weekend because it is so important to his recovery.  The friendships and people that have become a part of our lives and have made us part of theirs has been a true blessing.  To walk in and have people greet you with a warm hug because they are genuinely happy you are there is so touching.  We always hear something in meetings that we relate too and that make us think or touch us.  We can feel it when we have to miss our favorite meeting.

I have watched a close friends life completely change in an instant.  I have watched almost daily on the news someone being shot.  I am so disgusted at what has happened to our society.  Road rage because someone is driving to slow so you pull out a gun and shoot and kill an innocent 3 year old child.  Really….. is it worth it that not only did you take a child’s life and destroyed a family but you also destroyed your own family because you couldn’t control your anger and now you spend the rest of your life in prison or are put to death all because people lack patience.  Trump is our next president…..I did not expect that but I embrace change.  I am one of those Americans that are remaining supportive and hopeful because no amount of violent protesting or burning of the American flag will change that.  To me it just makes you look like a big Asshole!

It has been a bit of a crazy year.  I continue to do the best I can for myself and my family.  I talk to my daughter almost daily.  My youngest stepdaughter and son-n-law got orders to move to Belgium for 3 years, they just left last month in November.  No matter how old your children may be you always worry and want the very best life has to offer for them.  We hope they have it easier than we may have had it.  The Millennial’s have there own challenges though, but I am hoping this generation straightens up and starts getting more serious about life.  I have noticed that the younger kids today are being brought up in such a different way than we were.  I feel like there are a lot of self-entitled spoiled brats feeling like life owes them everything.  They are lazier and slower to grow up and mature.  It may just be me, but from what I have seen with our children’s generation and even our grandchildren’s generation that is my take on it!  It’s really OK if they work for things and if they have consequences and are not allowed to run around stores screaming.  I mean some people really need to take control.  It doesn’t help your children to be that way, it really doesn’t.  I have witnessed for myself that as adults it creates a sense of loss for them because they don’t really know how to be adults and it’s very sad.

New opportunities may be possible in this New Year for us we have to wait and see where the cards fall.  I know that no matter what happens it is the way it is suppose to be.  I may not always understand it or agree with it but all I can do is learn from it.  In this New Year work on yourselves be the very best you can be.  Be more patient, listen to hear not to respond.  Don’t take anything for granted because everything is a gift and can be taken away at a moments notice.  Always give more than you get.  Help others when you can.  I always try to encourage people to help animals in need.  Get involved instead of turning away in any situation that may be harmful to someone else.  Every night when you go to bed ask yourself this question………have I done the best I could today?  Did I hurt anyone?  Be quick to right your wrongs and continue to do the best you can.  Give yourself a break, don’t judge yourself by your body image, the money you make, the home you live in, or the car you drive.  If you haven’t found recovery yet but are sick and tired of being sick and tired then it is my hopes that you get into recovery, I promise it is life changing and in the best ways possible!  You know what they say……….When one door closes another opens, it is up to you whether you step through it or close it.  There is just so much more to say but I would like to close with this……..  As an unknown author trying to make her place in the world by sharing our personal memoir of our battle with my husbands alcoholism and the devastating effects it has had on our family, I appreciate each and every one of you that take the time to Like my author page, follow me on all social media, and buy my book.  Those that follow or take the time to read my blogs.  It is a daily struggle when your name isn’t Ellen DeGeneres Or Oprah but it is what we love to do, write and share and hope to make a living or a difference.  So, from the bottom of my heart, I am grateful to all of you and as my husband and I continue on our own journey we hope you will come along with us.  We couldn’t have come this far without your support!

Merry Christmas & Happy New Year my friends!  Be safe, stay sober!  See ya in “2017”  Wishing you Peace & Serenity………….Harmony